Little One

It has been a long time since I have let myself relive the pain of twenty years ago, this week I have relived it and dealt with the fall out of my own actions, how I wish that some things could have been different, how I wish that you could have been a part of my life, with your black hair and your dark eyes I know that you would have looked like both of us, I hope that we would have done a better job with loving you than we did with each other. I feel you still and I know you are there around me and someday when I have finished what I am supposed to do on this plain I will see you again. Will you be a grown man or the small child I see from time to time in my dreams, know that I loved you and that even though things were so terribly bad those days, you were the bright spot in my life the hope that I had that tomorrow would be better no matter how things went.

At the worst of times you were my reason to keep going and to survive this life, you gave me strength even though I was not able to hold you in my arms, the ache that was left never truly died but you were there in the times of my lowest despair and you were the face that I held on to all these years when things could not have been any worse for me. Your father, he is a good man, and despite the pain that I caused him and that he caused me you would have been loved by both of us. I love you my darling little angel even though you are no longer with me and have not been for a long time, it makes me sad that I never was able to give you a name I would have chosen something appropriate for you perhaps Robert, because like him you are a angel who is always with me.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to change the things that we did to each other to be able to take back that terrible pain and give you the life you deserved the parents who loved you even if they weren’t together to be able to hear your laughter and see your beautiful eyes the color of mine with his dark hair so thick that it was there the moment you were born, I live with the regret that what I did caused you pain and for that I am sorry, sweet little angel with the beautiful eyes so like his fathers and the skin so like mine, his hair dark and soft against my cheek that is how I see you, I know that you protected your brothers and sister and kept them all safe from the perils of life and before they were born, I pray little angel of mine that you continue to do so to protect them all and love them all as you are their guardian now as much as mine.
There was a time when I thought I would never be able to think about you without the gut ripping pain that used to slice through me or hear the sound of a heart beat and not die inside from the grief of not hearing yours but I know that this is what was meant to be my angel and that in the darkest days of my life you are where you need to be looking out for those who would have loved you and those who love you and for those you love. Be at peace sweet boy momma will always love you even when she is far away.

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