The Beginning

Where do I begin? I was born in Mesa, Arizona on January 10,1970 the day before my Great-Grandfather’s birthday. My parents were very young my dad was just 22 and my mom would turn 20 just 8 days after my birth. When I was still and infant my parents moved to my moms home town of Globe, Arizona. This is where I would grow up, our house on McKenny Street was small with a wonderful yard and wonderful neighbors. by the time I was two I had a little sister and a dog named Junior. It was a fairly normal existence, my dad worked at the local copper mine as a welder and my mom stayed at home with us, always making sure we were well cared for and had all that we needed. It was wonderful growing up in a small town, especially this one, all of our family was there, we had Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents and plenty of cousins to play with. It was NORMAL…. not idealistic by any means but it was normal with all the normal of small town America.

Some of my fondest memories could be found in the asphalt and dirt, the trees and the rocks, the empty lot and swimming pool across the street. If we got into trouble it was pretty certain that we would probably get a swat on the behind for being bad, but my parents did not abuse us it was discipline, despite the whole spanking teaches violence, that is not true, and I often wonder if these so called psychologist who would suggest that it does had any clue the damage not spanking does. Anyways enough soap box babble. So we went through the early stages of our life fairly normal little girls with loving parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Things for me started to change at the age of five, there were many factors that fell into place that shaped the outcome of my childhood but those things we will discuss in a later installment of my journey. I just pray that one day I will be able to help someone who I love like my own brother with the demons that I dont think he realizes we both share. Anyways as I neared the age of five and things were by all accounts pretty normal I was a playful and rambunctious kid who protected her sister and was always up for fun.

They summer I turned 5 one of my favorite cousins would come to live with us. It would not be until later that I would learn he was demon filled as well and that he too would have to deal with demons that he did not. Anyways, getting ready to start kindergarten and being the big sister I was excited. I remember my first days of school were so much fun, my teacher, I remember her still she was beautiful, with long brown hair, we had a small play ground outside our classrooms just for the kindergartners.

I remember one day I was in the sand box and a boy named Ronnie and his friend Danny decided to be mean to me and through sand on my dress. I was really upset because it was my favorite dress my mom had made it for me. but Ms. D my teacher took me inside brushed me off dried my tears and said ” It will be o.k., they are just boys!” ( yes boys will be boys in those days lol). my favorite part of those days was walking to and from school, since it was the 70’s there was very little fear especially in our small neighborhood everyone knew everyone and they always watched out for each others kids. But I also had my four legged body guard Junior a brindle Boxer who would walk me to and from school everyday.

 

 

In the dark days

There is much about the past that seems to be an enigma even to me the one who lived it. Living with a disease is never easy but most assuredly it is not easy when it is mental illness, growing up there were a lot of indicators that I would eventually have depression and that I would eventually have to deal with it on a daily basis. What I did not realize was the impact that it would have on my life and the decisions I would make along the road to becoming the adult I am now.

The reality that I have this dreaded disease something that as I understand now is quit common and can be hereditary began to show itself in the formative years and shyness and quiet retreat, as I got older it showed in other ways, drug use and promiscuous behavior. Self-destructive behaviors were normal for me. It began though in the early years, having suffered at the hands of a family member, sexual abuse that would continue to define my life and lead me to more and more reckless behavior.

Looking at it now I know it for what it is, but it would be many years before I would come to terms with the things that caused trauma in my life. And many more years before I would be well enough to discuss it openly with so many people who have found themselves in the same dark place. In my family it was normal, I do not believe that there are many family members at least in my generation who did not suffer some kind of abuse during those years of growing up.

We all carry the scars from that time and now must learn to define our lives as something other than broken abused children. It is for me cathartic that I was able to deal with and find peace with the ugliness of the past that we grew up in, suffering at the hands of our own family members. So I had to ask myself where and when did it begin? Who allowed this hideous past to continue trickling down into every generation that followed? How many more lives have to be shattered before they realize that by keeping silent they are destroying lives?

All good questions yes? but one problem there are no answers, so what am I supposed to do? At least these were the things that I asked myself while I was going through the healing process. As my mamma always said ” Pick yourself up and dust yourself off” yes but somethings are not so easy to get away from and this is one of those things. How do I live day to day with the after math of sexual abuse by someone I loved?

Getting right with myself was the first step in making it through the quagmire of lies and secrets that have kept my family in silence for many years. For me, the fear died when I was 21 all that was left was rage, and depression and a need to destroy the very person that I should have been healing and protecting, Myself.

This is my journey, along with some poetry and other things I will use this space to begin a trip through my journey in the hope that some where along the way I might help someone in need so that they know that like me, they are not to blame for the things that happened to them and that there is hope at the end of that darkness.