A Day of Memories

So here I am sitting in my office trying to get ready for a fund raiser coming up and my mind plays back on the years of missing out on my family. It has been a very long time since all of us have been together under the same roof for anything other than a funeral. I remember his funeral it was a long as day to be sure.

I was still dealing with the effects of my childhood abuse when he died at my dads house, I knew that I had to forgive him for the past but it was no easy task that one especially when the one person who has always been my hero and the rock in which I leaned on. Even though he had no clue about the past until this time, my dad was the last to know (except for his mom and sister and brother I never told them) and his response I would discover later had a much more devastating effect on me than I had thought it would.

You see my dad did not believe that the molestation had happened and when he confronted me it was to tell me that ” I don’t believe it” and that was OK, because I know what happened. Sadly I lost a little something with my dad over this one. You see as hard as it was he wanted me to do something that while I was not comfortable doing it, I did it for him, something that in hind sight I wish I had not done.

I told my one cousin, who told my dad and my dad asked me to tell her that I lied. It was not something that I would have done under any other circumstances but she had just lost her brother and I didn’t want to leave her with that image of him as a monster because I loved her and that was not fair to her. But it destroyed a little of my trust that I had with my dad because even though I know what happened and I can describe what I wore the first time, he still did not believe me and then asked me to do something that hurt me to my core.

So here I am I tell my cousin that it was a lie she believes this because she needs too and that is the beginning of a journey that I would embark upon alone because truthfully who was gonna help me my parents who I love are both a mess one believes it never happened and the other doesn’t wanna talk about anything that might be upsetting to her world view.

You see there is a deeper darker secret than my little blurb in the family tree, and that is that it has been happening for generations in our family and yet no one thought to stop it. I wont name names but one of my uncles abused numerous members of the family including my mother who was also abused by her biological father after he kidnapped her and my Aunt and took them to Texas for a year. But those are not my stories to tell, so I will leave them at this place but it appears there is a long line of abuse in my family that goes back farther than I realized.

 

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