Why????

So I am feeling sorry for myself today because it never fails right around the silly season something goes astray.

I ask myself this time and again, why do you hate me? When will it end? Am I so unlovable that my own mother hates me? These are things that go through my head. Your continual hurtful comments tear at my soul and make doubt what I should know. Do you hate me? Why? I have never figured out what I have done to earn such a thing.

You are my mother, you gave me life and yet nothing I do or say is ever right? I was not always this way, I remember those days like yesterday, you were my mom always there with a smile a laugh or a reprimand, now I get hate in the form of snide and cruel remarks which the effects I can not hide. Am I really so terrible that you hate me your own child? What have done that I deserve your bile? Do you not see that what you say effects me? Do you even care?

I am almost 50 years old and I am so tired of feeling like it is always my fault that you are not happy with me, with the way I laugh at the world, with the way I speak, with the children I have raised. Nothing will ever be good enough and I am coming to the end of my give a fuck. You see I can only deal with so much pain and so much anger, it is different when it comes from a stranger I can walk away from them and never look back, but when it comes from the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back I am lost in it. 

How do I keep repeating a cycle that we can not seem to break? You dont want me to be me, yet that is who I am! I laugh at inappropriate things that I find funny, I have opinions that I am not afraid to voice, I cuss like a sailor on shore leave, I love fiercely and protect those I love just as fiercely. I raised two find young men who aren’t perfect but they know that no matter what I love them and I will always have their back.

I wish I could understand and maybe we could find a way past this but I will never understand and I will never be okay with letting you my own mother treat me like I am the bastard child of your ex husband who is not a part of your family. You chose this path, I was ready willing and able to work on our relationship but now I am just tired. Tired of being wrong in everything I say and do with you! Tired of the pain that comes with trying to fix things with you! Tired of never being good enough even when I was a kid. So this is me telling you, I’m done!

Keeping up appearances

Despite having been dealing pretty much since I was 21 with the effects of my abuse I still seem to be able to return to that place of helplessness and pain, so many triggers especially in these days of constant turmoil.

I have come to understand that while I am healthier and better equiped to deal with that darkness in my past, it is never truly gone. I have danced around it, I have numbed my body and mind to it, I have raged at it and I have dealt with it and continue to deal with it as the time and years march on. It is not something that I am ever not going to deal with and I understand that now when I am much older.

I still sometimes feel like that scared lost little girl with no where to hide, but and I think this is the most important part I am stronger than I was back then and I am no longer afraid of what will be in the future.