This seems to be a good place to take a break from the trials of my life to look at what I learned and discovered about myself in all aspects of my life, The journey that I began as a little girl was filled with a lot of misadventure, missteps, missed opportunities and missed lessons. I have learned a lot of lessons some of them harder learned than others. But there were many lessons along my journey to healing and letting go of my pain.
The first lesson I learned was that I can not do it on my own. I have always been independent and I have always been self-reliant so it was hard to ask for help or to even admit that I needed help! It was obvious that I did need help, I was spiraling so out of control between the use of illegal drugs, drinking and promiscuity I was quickly running head long into self-destruction.
My wake up call came July 12,1988 if you are one of my readers you know about the loss of my child, I found out I was pregnant and lost him with in a few weeks, it was not something I expected but it happened, it also happened around the time my long term boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for 6 years off and on and we were going to get married, but jealousy and loneliness and anger create things you just cant take back you know. So we broke up, and I discover I am pregnant, I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell him he was not speaking to me. That is when I found out he was already moving on and dating a girl I introduced him to at my senior prom.
Anyways that is a different story but that is what happened to start me on this journey. I did not tell him that I was pregnant until after I lost the baby, this would be my burden to bare for my life. My sweet little boy went home to heaven and I was left with a huge hole in my soul to go along with the other hole in my soul. Anyways at this time I went way off the deep end, splashing down some where between a train wreck you cant stop watching and a person with a booger hanging out of the nose.
It would be several months before I would even begin to step out of my comfort zone and try to find my way out of the cocaine filled delirium that was taking me into a world of drug deals and sex with anyone who I found interesting. By the time I was getting close to rock bottom things were clearly not going to get better where I was at in my head. Dealing with my abuse is one thing but also dealing with the loss of my child the denial of my ex-boyfriend and his (in my mind) betrayal, that was where I was at I found myself standing in a place.
Anyways, moving forward, It was October after I lost my son that I finally had a come to Jesus moment. I was with some friends we were going to pick up a load of coke and we were on our way back when we rolled my truck, four times side over side, when we stopped moving I was the only sober one I got everyone out and we made sure everyone was at least breathing I told my friend to get rid of the shit we were carrying I did not want it anywhere near us when the cops got there. He did the cops came and we went to the hospital. we were very lucky we walked away with minor injuries.
If when I finally get to where I am going