So there has been alot happening in the last 7 months we have all been dealing with so many things it felt a little selfish to continue telling my story, but I find that I need to get back to it and start telling it all again. I have been dealing with the reality that my Dad is dying so my mind has been replaying 50 years of memories both good and bad. Today I finished my therapy session and I felt the need to start over again to begin way back at the very beginning of the story I am trying to tell, maybe then with the help of my therapist and my writing I can start to find forgiveness for myself.

That is a big ask when it comes to dealing with the 50 years worth of crap that is inside my head. But July is an important month for me, my little boy would be 31 years old on July 12th and so I think it is time his mama cuts herself some breaks. So little man I will start this story as it should have been started at the beginning and I will tell it all until there is nothing new to tell and I will hope that some where, someone will read these words and feel the that they too can find what they need in life forgive themselves and forgive others for what has gone by.

I was born January 10th 1970, at Mesa Lutheran Hospital in Mesa Arizona, my father Johnnie Mantolete and my mother Judy Walker, we moved from Mesa when I was a week old to the town of Globe, Arizona where I grew up and spend the first 20 years of my life. My dad was a boilermaker at the local copper mine and my mom was a house wife, things were pretty great from an infants perspective. When I was 2 my little sister Jennifer was born, I was the big sister and she was our baby and I took that role very seriously.

As we grew up we were surrounded by what you would think was a loving family on both sides, it was not always perfect to be sure but they were an amazing bunch of people in my life and I always looked forward to the time I would get to spend with my grandparents and my Aunts, there was never a dull moment especially on my moms side of the family. we would go camping and spend time up at the ranch where grandpa always helped his friend Haud bring in the herd, we spent time swimming and hiking and just being kids. it was an truly amazing time of life things were much simpler back then we did not have all the crazy tech we have now, I think in a way that steals some of the life that we should be living outside the walls of our homes.

When was 4 almost 5 my cousin who was 17 came to live with us he was having a lot of troubles and my parents wanted to help. My dad and David were very close more like brothers as they would continue to be until Davids death. As I said before I remember clearly the first time it happened I was wearing pajamas that were pastel colors pink, blue, yellow and green, they were very thin pajamas and itchy they were almost like a rayon type material. Anyways, my sister and I were playing in our bedroom and David called me into the other room. I remember the smell of pot lingered heavily in the air and there were beer cans on the floor.

I think I will stop here for tonight reliving it is hard but I promise to write more tomorrow