What an insipid word it is especially when you dont know if that is something you are able to do. I have spent 51 years trying to get something from my dad that I will never get and that is acceptance and validation. My dad for all his faults and he has many is the man who shaped how I view men, and honestly it has been pretty unfair to my husband that I would view him as I do my father. Reality is that I can forgive him for the things he can not give me because he is not capable of giving me those things that I need. I know this on a very visceral level and yet I still want it from him, which lets me in for just more disappointment. My indignation and anger come from a place that he will never understand he doesn’t get that the pain it has caused me to sit back and know that no matter what I do no matter what I achieve it will never be good enough for him and he will never give me the acceptance that I look for from him. So what do I do? Can I forgive him for failing me in that aspect of my life. I am trying to be the good daughter I was raised to be and yet I find myself at odds with what I know is right and what is expected of me I am not the one who is expected to say what I think and what I mean I am supposed to gloss over it and pretend that everything is all hunky dory because my faither is an asshole.

A Mothers Cries

Late at night when they sleep she sits quietly at their feet. Her Hope’s and dreams are in them a selfless love that has no end. There is no love greater than a mother’s love, even in the night as she weeps her tears, their salty wetness the healing balm washes away their fears. Nothing is more powerful than a mothers tears. The pain they carry has no end when the object of their love is gone, their love and pain still carry on. A mothers tears they shed all the years they are alone a mothers life is no longer her own. When loss comes and takes a seat holding a mothers hand through her grief it is her tears that carry on even when she hears the final song. A mother cries for eternity, for only she understands that deep grief the soul that shatters at the loss of what they love beyond everything in this life. A mother cries many tears in her life but the ones that continue to fall are the ones at the end of it all. He grief unmatched and her loss can not be understood she is a mother for the bad and the good. A mother cries any mother would. A mothers cries her tears are gold her hopes and dreams are what they hold tomorrow will come she knows it is true but a mother cries even for you.

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Coming out of Hiding

So there has been alot happening in the last 7 months we have all been dealing with so many things it felt a little selfish to continue telling my story, but I find that I need to get back to it and start telling it all again. I have been dealing with the reality that my Dad is dying so my mind has been replaying 50 years of memories both good and bad. Today I finished my therapy session and I felt the need to start over again to begin way back at the very beginning of the story I am trying to tell, maybe then with the help of my therapist and my writing I can start to find forgiveness for myself.

That is a big ask when it comes to dealing with the 50 years worth of crap that is inside my head. But July is an important month for me, my little boy would be 31 years old on July 12th and so I think it is time his mama cuts herself some breaks. So little man I will start this story as it should have been started at the beginning and I will tell it all until there is nothing new to tell and I will hope that some where, someone will read these words and feel the that they too can find what they need in life forgive themselves and forgive others for what has gone by.

I was born January 10th 1970, at Mesa Lutheran Hospital in Mesa Arizona, my father Johnnie Mantolete and my mother Judy Walker, we moved from Mesa when I was a week old to the town of Globe, Arizona where I grew up and spend the first 20 years of my life. My dad was a boilermaker at the local copper mine and my mom was a house wife, things were pretty great from an infants perspective. When I was 2 my little sister Jennifer was born, I was the big sister and she was our baby and I took that role very seriously.

As we grew up we were surrounded by what you would think was a loving family on both sides, it was not always perfect to be sure but they were an amazing bunch of people in my life and I always looked forward to the time I would get to spend with my grandparents and my Aunts, there was never a dull moment especially on my moms side of the family. we would go camping and spend time up at the ranch where grandpa always helped his friend Haud bring in the herd, we spent time swimming and hiking and just being kids. it was an truly amazing time of life things were much simpler back then we did not have all the crazy tech we have now, I think in a way that steals some of the life that we should be living outside the walls of our homes.

When was 4 almost 5 my cousin who was 17 came to live with us he was having a lot of troubles and my parents wanted to help. My dad and David were very close more like brothers as they would continue to be until Davids death. As I said before I remember clearly the first time it happened I was wearing pajamas that were pastel colors pink, blue, yellow and green, they were very thin pajamas and itchy they were almost like a rayon type material. Anyways, my sister and I were playing in our bedroom and David called me into the other room. I remember the smell of pot lingered heavily in the air and there were beer cans on the floor.

I think I will stop here for tonight reliving it is hard but I promise to write more tomorrow

29 Years!!!!!!!!!!

I am blessed beyond words for the gifts in my life. I met the man I married when I was 16 years old. We dated off and on for a while, me I was as you know from other posts a mess, him he knew what he wanted and where he was going and how to get there. Me I was lucky to tie my shoes properly.

But here we are 29 years and two kids later stronger than we ever were, I look back at those years and marvel at all we have over come from the verge of divorce to a solid foundation that we worked hard to achieve. I am so very lucky to have this man in my life. I have no idea what I would do with out him or my kids. Somedays they are the only thing that keeps me sane and strong.

So happy anniversary to us and many more to come

what have I learned?

This seems to be a good place to take a break from the trials of my life to look at what I learned and discovered about myself in all aspects of my life, The journey that I began as a little girl was filled with a lot of misadventure, missteps, missed opportunities and missed lessons. I have learned a lot of lessons some of them harder learned than others. But there were many lessons along my journey to healing and letting go of my pain.

The first lesson I learned was that I can not do it on my own. I have always been independent and I have always been self-reliant so it was hard to ask for help or to even admit that I needed help! It was obvious that I did need help, I was spiraling so out of control between the use of illegal drugs, drinking and promiscuity I was quickly running head long into self-destruction.

My wake up call came July 12,1988 if you are one of my readers you know about the loss of my child, I found out I was pregnant and lost him with in a few weeks, it was not something I expected but it happened, it also happened around the time my long term boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for 6 years off and on and we were going to get married, but jealousy and loneliness and anger create things you just cant take back you know. So we broke up, and I discover I am pregnant, I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell him he was not speaking to me. That is when I found out he was already moving on and dating a girl I introduced him to at my senior prom.

Anyways that is a different story but that is what happened to start me on this journey. I did not tell him that I was pregnant until after I lost the baby, this would be my burden to bare for my life. My sweet little boy went home to heaven and I was left with a huge hole in my soul to go along with the other hole in my soul. Anyways at this time I went way off the deep end, splashing down some where between a train wreck you cant stop watching and a person with a booger hanging out of the nose.

It would be several months before I would even begin to step out of my comfort zone and try to find my way out of the cocaine filled delirium that was taking me into a world of drug deals and sex with anyone who I found interesting. By the time I was getting close to rock bottom things were clearly not going to get better where I was at in my head. Dealing with my abuse is one thing but also dealing with the loss of my child the denial of my ex-boyfriend and his (in my mind) betrayal, that was where I was at I found myself standing in a place.

Anyways, moving forward, It was October after I lost my son that I finally had a come to Jesus moment. I was with some friends we were going to pick up a load of coke and we were on our way back when we rolled my truck, four times side over side, when we stopped moving I was the only sober one I got everyone out and we made sure everyone was at least breathing I told my friend to get rid of the shit we were carrying I did not want it anywhere near us when the cops got there. He did the cops came and we went to the hospital. we were very lucky we walked away with minor injuries.

If when I finally get to where I am going


There have been so many changes this year, some good and some bad, as we step into the new year it is with purpose and thought of what tomorrow will bring for us. I hope that tomorrow will bring us many new blessings, that it will bring us closer to each other as people and I hope that we will be able to find us once more coming together as a people who will stand up for what is right and the rights that we hold dear. I hope that we can once more stand in the face of devastation of adversity and uncertainty as we move into one of the most important stages of our history. We will see the election of a new President hopefully, and an end to the cluster fuck currently in the white house. We can hope that we will see the gift of healthcare for all as a right and now a privilege, that we can see our financial health stabilized once again, that every voice will be heard and that the madness of mass shootings will finally come to an end and we can save our planet from the careless destruction of those who feel they have a right to destroy it and us. I hope that it will see peace in the worlds most volatile countries. It is a time when everything is changing, we have to embrace it and step out into the world instead of hiding from it.

So Happy New Year, may your tomorrows be filled with love, laughter and happiness!

Blessed Be

Dear America

Dear America,

When at the end of the day we lay our heads down to rest we must ask ourselves have we done everything we can to insure that those we love are safe! We must look deeply into our collective consciousness and decide if what we have accomplished is worthy of being called Americans. We must put an end to the verbal rhetoric we continue to hear in regard to all the issues that are important to us. It behooves us to step out of the cloud of denial that we continue to allow to fall over us and see that our reality is not what it used to be 50 years ago or even 20 years ago. We have seen the rise of many terrifying things but also many beautiful things. We have risen from devastation from outside to stand in the face of our enemy and say not on our land and not our families. Yet, here we sit at a time when wonder and creativity are growing, when the movement away from the old is creating new and exciting frontiers for us to explore and yet we are stuck!

There many arguments about gun rights in particular, I don’t want to talk about those, there are many arguments against the President of the United States, I don’t want to talk about those. There is a rise in racism across this country, I don’t want to talk about that, there is a rise in division in this country and frankly I don’t want to talk about that. But we must talk about it in order to fix the problem we are having. Instead of finding the rhetoric that comes not only from the Political world but also the private sector we tend to gloss over what we are losing. Whole generation of children growing up in a world where they have to fear going to school or the mall or the movie theater. This is what we have lost and will continue to lose until we unite and take a stand. This is not about Republican or Democrat anymore, this is not about Trump or Hilary anymore, this is not about nationalism vs. patriotism anymore this is about the generation of children and what we want them to know about these moments in history when they grow up.

We must secure our neighborhoods, our schools, our churches, our movie theaters and our shopping malls from the systematic desecration of life. This is not about taking away rights, this is not about making good people give up their guns. This is about protecting what we hold most dear, it is about creating the world we want our children to live in no matter the cost. This is not about assigning blame because no one person except for those who committed these crimes is to blame. Yet it is our children who must fear going to school, it is our churches that now must have security, it is our grocery stores that we must protect. The one statement that I hear continually is “Well criminals do not follow laws” and It frustrates my brain to hear it and quit frankly is irritating to hear it. We all know criminals do not follow the laws the very definition of a criminal is a law breaker, so stop making it an excuse this we already know. Is there a quick fix? Probably not, but if we do not as a nation come together and find the solutions what happened on August 3, 2019 and all the times in the past will continue to be our new normal.

So here is my challenge, To the President of the United States , To every Presidential Candidate, Congress Person, Law Enforcement entity, Come together, Stop Fighting, Stop Blaming, Stop the name calling and do your jobs, find us solutions that are going to keep our children safe, find us solutions that are going to protect us from the dangers of our own countrymen find solutions that are going to bring us back together as a country not keep us divided. We sit here on the brink of a new election cycle and but all we are hearing is rhetoric we are not hearing solutions.

It is not just you that your words affect, each and everyone of you is responsible for the rhetoric you put out. And each and everyone of you were elected or wish to be elected into a position that has power behind it. So my challenge drop the rhetoric and come to us with real solutions that are going to work. But never forget that “We the people” are the ones who put you there. It is time you stop selling us out to lobbyist and big corporations and start looking at America the people, because at the end of the day this country was built on our backs Black, Hispanic, Indian, White, Christian, Catholic, Protestants, Jew, Muslim and Pagan.

When we do not remember all that went before us, when we forget the history that made this work in progress possible, when we forget that our founding fathers believed completely in the documents that we hold so dear and that nothing is impossible we are left doomed to repeat the mistakes of our history. We must as a nation rise as we did on September 11,2001 and stand against the tide of hate, racism and ignorance that some feel they are justified in believing. Only when we recognize the damage it has done can we repair it and only when we recognize its source can we call it out.

For me there is not greater challenge then to create a country where we all feel safe, secure and can prosper. These challenges by the way that our founding fathers fought and died for, these simple laws that they wrote to govern us as they created this experiment called The United States of America. It is time “We The People” are heard, we are not We the Republican people or We the Democrat people, We are not We the White People or We the Black People. We are “We the People” one entity with all our differences, flaws and mistakes, and until we stand once more in the face of the hate, and the lies and the rhetoric coming at us from all sides and demand that it stop it will not stop. “We the people” must choose how we go forward, with unity or shall we continue to be divided? Shall we stand together as our founders wanted or should we just call it a night and say good night Gracie? These are in our control.

To my fellow Americans I say this, I do not care about your political views, I do not care about your religious beliefs, I do not care about your sexual orientation or the color of your skin. I care about your children and mine, I care about the poor and the homeless, I care about the little girl who is afraid to go home, or the little boy who is confused about where his next meal will come from. I care about a world where we can sustain life and create a future that your children and my grandchildren will be able to look back and say they did us right. So America our challenge is very simple unite for a common purpose, demand that rational reasonable change happen and vote to insure that our great experiment of a Country continue to lead not only here at home but across the world.

Blessed Be to us All

Beneath the canopy of trees

I danced among the many trees my brother and sister laughed at me but when they stopped they heard the sound of the Goddess as she laughed out loud. Her joy in my dance was not by happen stance she felt the need and fed it deep within me and as her voice echoed through the forest and across the land my brother and sister took my hand and we danced for all to see beneath the canopy of trees.

There are no words!

July 11th the day before your 30th birthday we lost a young man who had so much potential, he took his own life at only 16 years old and it felt like I had lost the the grief so deep that I could only let the tears fall as I knew his mama was feeling such bone shattering pain at the loss of her baby. I do not know how to begin to explain the utter helplessness that I felt learning about his passing especially on the day before I lost you my sweet boy. How do I tell her that time will heal her pain when I know it wont. I refuse to sugar coat it for her time will not ease that pain and time will not lesson it. The loss of a child no matter the age or the time in life when it happens never leaves you, whether you loose them before birth or when they are grown it is a pain you live with daily. You learn to function and move forward but you never truly heal from the pain and it is something that you carry every day of your life until you are reunited with them in another realm. How many mamas have suffered the loss of their child only to be told to get over it. You dont get over it, you never st4op grieving it is different for everyone but you grieve for eternity. Anyways I am sorry I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday my baby I was other wise engaged but you were in my heart and on my mind. Happy Birthday Robert Damien I wish you were here so I could see your beautiful face.

I Miss my mom!

It is funny the things that I remember from my childhood the smell of coffee in the early morning. The smell of fresh bread baking or cookies. Don’t get me wrong it was not all reinbows and unicorns but it was not a terrible childhood either. My parents they had their moments, my dad worked and worked and played hard. My mom, she was the best, she was the cool-aide mom and the band aide mom and the mom who always made sure that we had something to eat, did our home work and knew that she was always there. This person she has become I dont know or understand and it breaks my heart. 

You see as much as I am angry at her, I miss my mom, I miss the person who I knew would always have my back. Who was there in the worst moments of my life. The woman who when I fell down brushed me off and stood me back on my feet. The one who would bake cookies and bring us cool aide while we played outside. I miss the mom who never put anyone else over us and always made sure that no matter what we knew she loved us. That is who I miss!

It makes me so sad the things that we have lost between us, the dreams of making her a grandma and her having a great time spoiling them and loving them and being grandma. The mom who would help me pick out my wedding dress or my graduation dress or my prom dress and would smile at me when I would fidget and tell me to stop that I was beautiful and everything would be just fine. That is the mom I miss, I miss the mom who would spank me when I was wrong and kiss me when I was scared. I miss my mom but I fear that she is dead and gone.

I miss my mom who was my best friend, the person I could count on in the end. I miss my mom the one who knew what I was going threw and did not judge. The one who would give me the gentlest of nudge or a kick in the pants. I miss my mom! Though she is not dead it feels that way to me because this stranger she has become has nothing to do with me. I miss my mom!