July 11th the day before your 30th birthday we lost a young man who had so much potential, he took his own life at only 16 years old and it felt like I had lost the the grief so deep that I could only let the tears fall as I knew his mama was feeling such bone shattering pain at the loss of her baby. I do not know how to begin to explain the utter helplessness that I felt learning about his passing especially on the day before I lost you my sweet boy. How do I tell her that time will heal her pain when I know it wont. I refuse to sugar coat it for her time will not ease that pain and time will not lesson it. The loss of a child no matter the age or the time in life when it happens never leaves you, whether you loose them before birth or when they are grown it is a pain you live with daily. You learn to function and move forward but you never truly heal from the pain and it is something that you carry every day of your life until you are reunited with them in another realm. How many mamas have suffered the loss of their child only to be told to get over it. You dont get over it, you never st4op grieving it is different for everyone but you grieve for eternity. Anyways I am sorry I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday my baby I was other wise engaged but you were in my heart and on my mind. Happy Birthday Robert Damien I wish you were here so I could see your beautiful face.
So I am feeling sorry for myself today because it never fails right around the silly season something goes astray.
I ask myself this time and again, why do you hate me? When will it end? Am I so unlovable that my own mother hates me? These are things that go through my head. Your continual hurtful comments tear at my soul and make doubt what I should know. Do you hate me? Why? I have never figured out what I have done to earn such a thing.
You are my mother, you gave me life and yet nothing I do or say is ever right? I was not always this way, I remember those days like yesterday, you were my mom always there with a smile a laugh or a reprimand, now I get hate in the form of snide and cruel remarks which the effects I can not hide. Am I really so terrible that you hate me your own child? What have done that I deserve your bile? Do you not see that what you say effects me? Do you even care?
I am almost 50 years old and I am so tired of feeling like it is always my fault that you are not happy with me, with the way I laugh at the world, with the way I speak, with the children I have raised. Nothing will ever be good enough and I am coming to the end of my give a fuck. You see I can only deal with so much pain and so much anger, it is different when it comes from a stranger I can walk away from them and never look back, but when it comes from the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back I am lost in it.
How do I keep repeating a cycle that we can not seem to break? You dont want me to be me, yet that is who I am! I laugh at inappropriate things that I find funny, I have opinions that I am not afraid to voice, I cuss like a sailor on shore leave, I love fiercely and protect those I love just as fiercely. I raised two find young men who aren’t perfect but they know that no matter what I love them and I will always have their back.
I wish I could understand and maybe we could find a way past this but I will never understand and I will never be okay with letting you my own mother treat me like I am the bastard child of your ex husband who is not a part of your family. You chose this path, I was ready willing and able to work on our relationship but now I am just tired. Tired of being wrong in everything I say and do with you! Tired of the pain that comes with trying to fix things with you! Tired of never being good enough even when I was a kid. So this is me telling you, I’m done!
I have been quietly reflecting on the things that we saw over the weekend, things that should not have happened. I have watched and read feeds and comments from all of my friends and family. Varying opinions from the far right to the far left and everything in between.
I have silently sat back and observed a lot of different opinions and a lot of hateful remarks and snide comments and a varying spectrum of bitterness and anger. This did not just start this has been going on for generations. It has never been a huge secret that there are racial problems in this country they have always been there, it is only in the last 9 years that we have seen once again a rise in the calls for equality. Should we silence the voices of ANY American seeking equality for the sake of peace?
So to all my staunch supporters of Trump friends you are right this is not something that Trump started but it is something that by his in action has condoned, the fact that only after the vast majority of his party called upon him to condemn the racist neo-Nazi, nationalist and KKK extremist parties who were by the way jumping for glee when he did not directly condemn their actions is what people are seeing as his supporting these right wing nut jobs. I am not attacking you I am explaining from a left side what they are seeing. Is it true, probably not, but that is what they see.
They see a president who is more concerned with his agenda than the state of the people in his country and uniting us as we should be instead of keeping us divided. Oh don’t worry I am not done, I have somethings to say to the left as well, but I would add this to what I am saying to you. Take a very close look at the man you support, pay attention to what is really happening even behind closed doors and remember that which is done in the dark will always come out in the light.
To my left leaning folks out there, I hear what you are saying and some of it I agree completely with, but you see I can’t help but think that while I am watching what you are doing since the election has been to attack. You have marched through the streets wearing vaginas on your heads and screamed and gotten in the faces of anyone who does not agree with your agenda either. What is so different than you from those Neo-Nazi terrorists that were marching this past weekend in Charlottesville? Because you are right? Why? You all want to blame this on Donald Trump but these issues were there when Obama was in office and you know it. Why were you not crying out for him to stop the violence that was occurring in Ferguson, or Boston or any of the other places where riots and hate were being spewed? Because he was your president? Well I hate to tell you this but He sucked.
You want Trump to denounce racists and hate groups like the KKK and yet when rioters were burning down the cities of Ferguson, or Baltimore or any of the other cities that have had riots in the last 8 years Obama was strangely silent. He did not condemn their actions he did not call it what it was hate. Is that going to heal a racial divide that he fostered with this silence? You know it won’t, no one group is right here both have to look at what they are doing and quite frankly quit acting like spoiled children toughing temper tantrums because they did not get their way and start trying to make real changes the right way.
Do we need to stand together against racists hell yes, we do, do we need to ensure that ALL AMERICANS whether they are pink, purple, black, brown or white are all treated equally? Absolutely should we allow ANYONE spewing hate for another race to do so on American Soil NO we should not, this includes groups that are not white you know like Nation of Islam or the New Black Panthers, these groups while they want the right things their Ideologies do not work if we are to have a truly equal society.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness.”
It has truly been an insane year yes, but I look back at all that has been gained and lost and I think about where I would be right now if not for the angels that surround me and I know without a doubt I would be lost. I look at the sky so blue and I see your eyes and I remember your smile that would warm the coldest of soul. I think about the times we shared and the times we have missed and I wish you were still here but I know you were needed else where and although my heart aches at your loss I know when I close my eyes you are there giving me comfort where I need you to be. You see there are some people just to good for this place and their lives are so much more difficult than we mortals will ever understand. I still miss you a great deal but I know that you are in a better place and away from the pain but just so you know I am still your biggest fan!
Sleep is hard to come by some nights, my eyes want to close and yet I still fight. There is much to say and so little time, life moves quickly, quicker than this rythm. Flashes of what could be or perhaps they are reality who knows but sleep still wont come to me.
I close my eyes and there I am stuck in my head without a sound, waiting patiently for the dreams to begin when sleep should carry me away again. Yet here I sit in this dark gloomy space waiting and wondering what will take place.
Sleep is hard to come by it seems for what does it truly mean, to shut down the mind to loose control to not understand but just let go. Sleep that place most find where peace and dreams fill the mind but when I close my eyes I see only black staring back at me. Where is sleep? Where has it gone? Why am I the only one home? Sleep so elusive and fast I just wish it would come at last.
Is it a dream I see, do my eyes decieve me, is there something wrong with the way I carry on? Life moves so quickly I see the change with out me. Am I being left behind or is it the truth that is so hard to find.
I close my eyes at night and wonder truthfully without a fight where has the time gone moving so quickly almost like a song. Passing me by all I see is flashes of the past and what could be. Dreaming has become the only way to carry on as I move forward in the sea of night where only the darkness can win the fight and wonder what it al truly means and I hear living this dream.
Tomorrow seems so far away it is only the dreams that are here to stay. So I close my eyes and hope to see tomorrow looking back at me. The hopes and dreams of yesterday have given way to tomorrows reality. I perfer it here where the dreams let me be in the present without tomorrow to see. So close your eyes and dream and remember that the future is where dreams begin and were reality will end.
The slow moving music seems to be a contradiction to the fast pace the world around me has set. I try to remember to slow down and look around remembering that we can never get back those moments once they are gone. I close my eyes and I see his face, their faces, and I weep for the time that I have lost with them dreaming of them is all that I have now. But they are still hear with me my guardians and my guides the cherished parts of a past that I can not hide and would not want too. Tomorrow the sun will rise and the world will continue to spin on, as I hold on to my memories spinning round and round I remember the days when all I could do was sit around and cry. Today I feel no tears as the years seem to disappear only the memories of what was are left behind. I feel her hand on my shoulder and know that if I turned around she would be there smiling at me her daughter her love in her eyes as she smiles with such grace and beauty that it takes my breath away. I love that there is something so deep and life affirming
So it is a few days late and for that I apologize, things are always crazy this weekend we went and spent your birthday with your aunt and uncle and cousins. It is still hard to imagine what you look like or what kind of man you would be because you were gone so quickly from my life that I never really got the chance to know. But I still think of you and I wish that you could have been here their is so much that I would love to have shown you and taught you. But I know that even when I cant see you my little love that you are there with me still just unseen. Your daddy still doesn’t acknowledge that you where here, I will never understand why, but he has his reasons and although things were bad between us for many years he is a good man just doesn’t understand that someday he is going to have to face you and acknowledge that you truly do exist. Anyways my little love, I just wanted to write this down so that you know I did not forget and that you are always connected to my heart and in my thoughts. Peace love and light my angel, I love you!
Today you are 24 years old, I ask myself what you would be like this is a dark day for me one that always holds a great deal of pain. I wonder if you would be finished with college now or if you would have joined the military and are fighting in a war that you dont believe in. These are some of the things that I wonder as I celebrate your birthday without you. I do not cry anymore at least but the pain of your loss is still running deep. To see you grow up was my dream now i just wish I had that moment back so I could have held you in my arms one time and said good bye to you before they took you away. I imagine your smile in my mind kind of crooked and full of playfulness and I seen your eyes beautiful almond shaped the color of soft green moss, I think and hope that you would look more like me than your father but I would be able to see him in your smile and your eyes when you looked at me. My arms ache with the knowlege that they will never hold you never know the gentle touch of your soft little hands. Happy Birthday my sweet boy I miss you everyday and think of you just as often, I will see you again I know when my journey on this planet is done. I love you always even with my last breath, your mother!