It has truly been an insane year yes, but I look back at all that has been gained and lost and I think about where I would be right now if not for the angels that surround me and I know without a doubt I would be lost. I look at the sky so blue and I see your eyes and I remember your smile that would warm the coldest of soul. I think about the times we shared and the times we have missed and I wish you were still here but I know you were needed else where and although my heart aches at your loss I know when I close my eyes you are there giving me comfort where I need you to be. You see there are some people just to good for this place and their lives are so much more difficult than we mortals will ever understand. I still miss you a great deal but I know that you are in a better place and away from the pain but just so you know I am still your biggest fan!
Sleep is hard to come by some nights, my eyes want to close and yet I still fight. There is much to say and so little time, life moves quickly, quicker than this rythm. Flashes of what could be or perhaps they are reality who knows but sleep still wont come to me.
I close my eyes and there I am stuck in my head without a sound, waiting patiently for the dreams to begin when sleep should carry me away again. Yet here I sit in this dark gloomy space waiting and wondering what will take place.
Sleep is hard to come by it seems for what does it truly mean, to shut down the mind to loose control to not understand but just let go. Sleep that place most find where peace and dreams fill the mind but when I close my eyes I see only black staring back at me. Where is sleep? Where has it gone? Why am I the only one home? Sleep so elusive and fast I just wish it would come at last.
Is it a dream I see, do my eyes decieve me, is there something wrong with the way I carry on? Life moves so quickly I see the change with out me. Am I being left behind or is it the truth that is so hard to find.
I close my eyes at night and wonder truthfully without a fight where has the time gone moving so quickly almost like a song. Passing me by all I see is flashes of the past and what could be. Dreaming has become the only way to carry on as I move forward in the sea of night where only the darkness can win the fight and wonder what it al truly means and I hear living this dream.
Tomorrow seems so far away it is only the dreams that are here to stay. So I close my eyes and hope to see tomorrow looking back at me. The hopes and dreams of yesterday have given way to tomorrows reality. I perfer it here where the dreams let me be in the present without tomorrow to see. So close your eyes and dream and remember that the future is where dreams begin and were reality will end.
The slow moving music seems to be a contradiction to the fast pace the world around me has set. I try to remember to slow down and look around remembering that we can never get back those moments once they are gone. I close my eyes and I see his face, their faces, and I weep for the time that I have lost with them dreaming of them is all that I have now. But they are still hear with me my guardians and my guides the cherished parts of a past that I can not hide and would not want too. Tomorrow the sun will rise and the world will continue to spin on, as I hold on to my memories spinning round and round I remember the days when all I could do was sit around and cry. Today I feel no tears as the years seem to disappear only the memories of what was are left behind. I feel her hand on my shoulder and know that if I turned around she would be there smiling at me her daughter her love in her eyes as she smiles with such grace and beauty that it takes my breath away. I love that there is something so deep and life affirming
So it is a few days late and for that I apologize, things are always crazy this weekend we went and spent your birthday with your aunt and uncle and cousins. It is still hard to imagine what you look like or what kind of man you would be because you were gone so quickly from my life that I never really got the chance to know. But I still think of you and I wish that you could have been here their is so much that I would love to have shown you and taught you. But I know that even when I cant see you my little love that you are there with me still just unseen. Your daddy still doesn’t acknowledge that you where here, I will never understand why, but he has his reasons and although things were bad between us for many years he is a good man just doesn’t understand that someday he is going to have to face you and acknowledge that you truly do exist. Anyways my little love, I just wanted to write this down so that you know I did not forget and that you are always connected to my heart and in my thoughts. Peace love and light my angel, I love you!
Today you are 24 years old, I ask myself what you would be like this is a dark day for me one that always holds a great deal of pain. I wonder if you would be finished with college now or if you would have joined the military and are fighting in a war that you dont believe in. These are some of the things that I wonder as I celebrate your birthday without you. I do not cry anymore at least but the pain of your loss is still running deep. To see you grow up was my dream now i just wish I had that moment back so I could have held you in my arms one time and said good bye to you before they took you away. I imagine your smile in my mind kind of crooked and full of playfulness and I seen your eyes beautiful almond shaped the color of soft green moss, I think and hope that you would look more like me than your father but I would be able to see him in your smile and your eyes when you looked at me. My arms ache with the knowlege that they will never hold you never know the gentle touch of your soft little hands. Happy Birthday my sweet boy I miss you everyday and think of you just as often, I will see you again I know when my journey on this planet is done. I love you always even with my last breath, your mother!