Today you are 24 years old, I ask myself what you would be like this is a dark day for me one that always holds a great deal of pain. I wonder if you would be finished with college now or if you would have joined the military and are fighting in a war that you dont believe in. These are some of the things that I wonder as I celebrate your birthday without you. I do not cry anymore at least but the pain of your loss is still running deep. To see you grow up was my dream now i just wish I had that moment back so I could have held you in my arms one time and said good bye to you before they took you away. I imagine your smile in my mind kind of crooked and full of playfulness and I seen your eyes beautiful almond shaped the color of soft green moss, I think and hope that you would look more like me than your father but I would be able to see him in your smile and your eyes when you looked at me. My arms ache with the knowlege that they will never hold you never know the gentle touch of your soft little hands. Happy Birthday my sweet boy I miss you everyday and think of you just as often, I will see you again I know when my journey on this planet is done. I love you always even with my last breath, your mother!
Life is full of contrition but are we at all contrite in the world we live in? the slow stroking hands of time slide slowly moving past us as we wonder where it goes as time passes us so slow, wow your birthday is coming up you are gonna be 24 this year. My little baby who I never got to hold or see laugh, the crystal clear of your eyes problabaly like mine. Your hair definently a cross between his straight and my curly with smooth skin I picure on your face with his angular nose and full mascaline lips that remind me of him. The old woman told him about you when he was 14 but he didnt believe it. July is sneaking up on me so quickly that I am not even sure how to batte the tears that I know are going to come. I just wish that he could cry with me as I cry missing you in my arms, he pretends it doesnt matter, he wont tell his wife becasue she would think I want him back, I have set a goal for my self bay, one year, it will take me one year to feel good about myself again and then i am going to see him. For you baby I hope that he tells his wife when it is all said and done. Until then I count down the days until the day you were born ~ Mommy~
I stand today with the world changing around me my heart still aches today just as it did on the day that you left my life. Twenty one years have passed since the day you left my life and it still hurts to know that you are not a part of my life. I look at pictures of your father and your brothers and sister and I wonder what kind of a brother would you have been? would you have loved them and looked out for them like a good big brother, would you have had a relationship with your biological father as well as your adopted father? would you have laughed at your mother for being so silly about having you in her life. when I close my eyes I see you still with your dark hair and brown eyes and I wonder if any part of you would look like me? Would your father have wanted you had you survived would he have been a part of your life even though he was not a part of mine. I miss you my little angel everyday I think about you and wonder how much we could have shared with you.
So I go to my therapist tonight and he tells me that my trust issues are my own decision, o.k. I can buy off on that to a point but then he tries to justify what happened to me by saying that "David" was sick, yeah he was sick fucking freak who got off on a child come on, he was sick what kind of shit is that to tell someone who has been victimized by someone? And I have trust issues because I chose too? Yeah I choose too fuckin a right why should I trust anyone who is willing to believe that he is sick justifies what was done to me?Needless to say I will not be going back to see this particular therapist frankly if that is all he has to offer in the way of trying to help me I am better off on my own. He is Sick give me a god damn break sick is someone who hears voices in there head tell them to do these things not someone who makes the decision to do them.Trust is my problem? Damn straight when every man in my life has betrayed my trust in one way or another come on how can you expect me to trust? Even my own father has betrayed my trust and if a girl can’t trust her dad who can she trust. Ok getting tired will write more later
Sitting in the quiet recesses of my home I look at events over the last weekend and I have to wonder to myself who that person was, am I truly so far gone from myself that I must resort to such a thing? I know that there are answers to be had and questions that must be raised but I am not going to fade into nothingness once more simply because some people do not wish to hear my truths, I suffer as many do from a disease, the details are not important nor are the particulars of what occurred(for the sake of my children it is kept quiet) needless to say that somewhere between desperation and crushing destruction,I found a new out look on life, it is meant to live not to sit by and wallow in what ever self righteous fury that may come out of the end results, whether I chose to speak of my disease or whether i chose to share it with only those who must know is my decision and mine alone. There is love in my world that is generated not by obligation or forced need but by a true and genuine heart, it took me a while to realize that life's blessings though they may be few and far between are truly wonderful and I count myself lucky and blessed to have known such love.
There are those who do not understand and who will never truly understand the rate of disintegration the mind can take unless they have walked a million miles in the shoes of someone who has felt it. There are no excuses only explanations for those who are deserving of such and for the rest who care only about a perceived slight or a perceived show of disrespect then I suggest you look at your own lives and start cleaning house there for I have no time or energy to play nurse maid to heal your perceived hurts for something that was out of my control.
It has been a very long year this last year, full of ups and twist and turns but as I sit here today writing this whether anyone reads it or not I am grateful for all that I have and for all those people in my life that love me unconditionally and are such a large part of my life. What am I looking forward to this year I guess is the biggest question that I have to ask myself, they say that 40 is the time of mid-life crisis I had mine when I was in my twenties and thirties so I am looking forward to some sanity this year and hopes of a prosperous year for all of us. So lets see what life changing events happened this day in history? So I thought you all might enjoy this little bit of knowledge on my birthday I hope everyone has a great day
0049 BC – Julius Caesar crosses the Rubicon, signaling the start of civil war.
0236 Saint Fabian begins his reign as a Catholic Pope.
1072 Palermo falls to Robert Guiscard and his brother Roger, who begin to conquer all of Sicily
1072 Robert Guiscard conquers Palermo.
1429 Order of the Golden Fleece established in Austria-Hungary & Spain
1430 Duke Philip the Good marries Isabella of Portugal
1430 Order of the Guilder forms
1514 Complutensian New Testament in Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek & Latin finished
1642 King Charles I & family flee London for Oxford
1645 Archbishop William Laud is beheaded at the Tower of London
1663 King Charles II affirms charter of Royal African Company
1731 Charles Farnese becomes duke of Parma/Piacenza
1776 “Common Sense” by Thomas Paine, published
1806 Dutch in Cape Town, South African surrender to the British
1806 Dutch settlers in Cape Town surrender to the British.
1808 Herman Daendels succeeds A Wiese as Governor-General of Netherlands Indies
1810 French church annuls marriage of Napoleon I & Joséphine
1810 The marriage of Napoleon and Josephine is annulled.
1811 Louisiana slaves rebel in 2 parishes
1811 Norwester David Thompson 1770-1857 crosses the height of land of the Rocky Mountains on the Athabasca Pass
1815 British Government bans Americans from settling in Canada
1817 Miles Macdonnell recaptures Fort Douglas from Metis; occupies the Fort for Lord Selkirk
1839 Tea from India first arrives in UK
1840 Penny Post mail system started
1840 UK hist Uniform Penny Postage introduced nationally
1845 Poets Elizabeth Barrett & Robert Browning begin corresponding
1847 American naval forces occupy Los Angeles.
1850 Robert McClure & Richard Collinson set sail in the Enterprise and
Investigator to start search for lost Franklin expedition
1861 American Civil War: Florida secedes from the Union.
1861 Colonel Moody names Lulu Island (near Vancouver) for Lulu Sweet, an
American actress appearing in theatrical performances for the Royal
1861 Florida becomes 3rd state to secede from US
1861 Fort Jackson & Fort Philip are taken over by Los Angeles state troops
1861 US forts & property seized by Mississippi
1862 Battle of Big Sandy River KY (Middle Creek)
1862 The inventor of the Revolver Samuel Colt dies.
1863 General McClernand’s Union troops surround Fort Hindman AR
1863 January-uprising begins in Poland
1863 The London Underground, the world’s oldest underground railway, opens
between London Paddington station and Farringdon station.
1863 The first underground railway opens in London
1996 This was the year “The Book Clip – Guaranteed to keep your Book Open” first appeared on the Internet. See Pictures HERE www.bookclip.com
1863 UK hist First section of the London Underground Railway opens, between Paddington and Farringdon Street
1870 Georgia legislature reconvenes
1870 John D Rockefeller incorporates Standard Oil
1870 John D. Rockefeller incorporates Standard Oil.
1870 Standard Oil is incorporated by brothers John D. and William Rockefeller.
1878 US Senate proposes female suffrage
1883 Fire at uninsured Newhall Hotel in Milwaukee WI kills 71; General Tom Thumb of P T Barnum fame, escapes unhurt
1889 The Ivory Coast becomes a French protectorate
1899 Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity was founded.
1900 Lord Roberts & Lord Kitchener reach Capetown
1901 Oil discovered at Spindletop claim near Beaumont, Texas
1901 The first great Texas oil gusher is discovered at Spindletop in Beaumont, Texas.
1911 Honduras signs treaty turning over customs to US (not ratified)
1911 The first photo in US taken from an airplane, San Diego
1911 Trumper scored double cricket ton vs South Africa, goes on to get 214
1912 Caillaux government in France resigns
1912 World’s first flying boat’s maiden flight, (Glenn Curtiss in NY)
1914 First edition of Hague’s Post under SF van Oss, published
1916 Russian offensive in Kaukasus
1917 Navy places first production order for aerial photographic equipment.
1920 Canada becomes a founding member of the League of Nations on the day
the Treaty of Versailles, ending the First World War, takes effect
1920 League of Nations’ first meeting, Treaty of Versailles in effect
1920 Silver reaches record $1.37 an ounce
1922 Arthur Griffith is elected President of the Irish Free State.
1923 Last US troops leave Rhineland (Germany)
1923 Lithuania seizes & annexes country of Memel
1925 France-Saarland forms
1925 Miriam (Ma) Ferguson sworn in as Texas Governor, nation’s 2nd woman governor
1927 Fritz Lang’s Metropolis premieres
1927 The film Metropolis by Fritz Lang premieres.
1928 Soviet Union orders exile of Leon Trotsky
1929 Tintin, a comic book character created by Herg, makes his debut. He
went on to be published in over 200 million comic books in 40
1930 Maurice Allom takes Test hat-trick England vs New Zealand Christchurch
1930 Mordovian Autonomous Region in RSFSR constituted
1932 “Mickey Mouse” & “Silly Symphony” comics syndicated
1932 “Pete the Tramp” cartoon strip by C D Russell debuts
1934 VP-10F flies first non-stop formation flight from San Francisco to Pearl Harbor, arriving 11 Jan.
1935 Actress Mary Pickford marries actor Douglas Fairbanks
1938 Eduard van Beinum becomes world’s first conductor at Concert Hall
1939 Bradman hits 186 South Africa vs Queensland before Christ catches him at short-leg
1940 First convoy carrying units of the Second Australian Imperial Force (AIF) sails for the Middle East
1941 Joseph Kesselring’s “Arsenic & Old Lace,” premieres in New York City NY
1941 Lend-Lease is introduced into the US Congress.
1941 Seyss-Inquart begins registration of Jews
1942 Elizabeth Monk and Suzanne Filion admitted to the Quebec Bar Quebec’s first female lawyers
1942 Japan invades North-Celebes, Dutch East Indies
1943 Russian offensive against German 6th/4th Armies near Stalingrad
1943 The first US President to visit a foreign country in wartime-FDR leaves for Casablanca, Morocco
1945 Los Angeles Railway (with 5 streetcar lines) forced to close
1946 The first General Assembly of the United Nations convenes in London.
1946 US Army establishes first radar contact with Moon, Belmar NJ
1947 British stop ships Independence & In-Gathering from landing in Israel
1947 Greek steamer “Himara” strikes a wartime mine in Saronic Gulf south of Athens with loss of 392 of 637 aboard
1949 First Jewish family show “The Goldbergs” premieres on CBS
1949 RCA introduces 45 RPM record
1951 UN headquarters opens in Manhattan NY 1957 Harold Macmillan becomes prime minister of Britain, after the resignation of Anthony Eden. 1958 Jerry Lee Lewis’ “Great Balls of Fire” reaches #1 on the country and r&b charts, #2 on the pop chart 1962 4,000 die in avalanche, Ranrahirca, Perú 1962
Apollo Project: NASA announces plans to build the C-5 rocket booster.
It became better known as the Saturn V moon rocket, which launched
every Apollo moon mission.
1962 Eruptions on Mount Huascaran in Peru destroy 7 villages & kill 3,500 1964 Battles between moslems & hindus in Calcutta 1964 Panama severs diplomatic relations with US 1964 US version of “That Was The Week That Was,” premieres 1966 India & Pakistan sign peace accord 1966 Julian Bond denied seat in Georgia legislature for opposing Vietnam War 1967 Dutch Princess Margret marries Pieter van Vollenhoven 1967 Lester Maddox inaugurated as Governor of Georgia 1967 PBS (the National Educational TV) begins as a 70 station network 1968 US Surveyor 7 lands near lunar crater Tycho 1969 Pirate Radio Station Free Derby begins operation by Northern Ireland 1969 Sweden (1st Western country) recognizes North Vietnam 1969 USSR’s Venera 6 launched for parachute landing on Venus 1972 Sheik Mujib ur-Rahman arrives in Dacca, East-Pakistan 1972 Triple album set “Concert for Bangladesh” released in UK 1973 Gas tank on Staten Island explodes, 40 die 1977 Canada expels four Cubans, two of them diplomats, after RCMP spy investigation 1978 Soyuz 27 carries 2 cosmonauts to Salyut 6 space station 1978 The USSR sends two cosmonauts into orbit to rendezvous with the Salyut Six space laboratory. 1979 Entertainer of the Year Awards 1980 Former AFL-CIO president George Meany dies in Washington, DC at age 85. 1980 Last broadcast of “Rockford Files” on NBC 1981 El Salvador guerrilla group FMLN opens “general offensive” 1981 Number one hit on UK music charts – John Lennon – Imagine 1982 -17ºF (27.2ºC) in Braemar Grampian (equals UK record) 1982
The Catch – Dwight Clark of the San Francisco 49ers makes a leaping
catch from Joe Montana with 58 seconds to play to defeat the Dallas
Cowboys 28-27 in the NFC Championship Game at Candlestick Park.
1983 In Los Angeles, the Fraggle Rock children’s show debuts on HBO; partly produced in Toronto by Jim Henson 1984 Argentine ex-president/General Bignone arrested 1984 Bulgarian Tupolev 134 crashes at Sofia airport in Bulgaria, 50 die 1984 Clara Peller first asks, “Where’s the Beef?” 1984 The U.S. and the Vatican establish diplomatic relations for the first time since 1867. 1984 The US and the Vatican establish full diplomatic relations after 117 years. 1984 US establishes full diplomatic relations with Vatican after 117 years 1985 Daniel Ortega Saavedra inaugurated as President of Nicaragua 1986 Palau signs Compact of Free Association with US 1989 Cuban troops begin withdrawing from Angola. 1990 China lifts martial law (imposed after Tiananmen Square massacre) 1990 NCAA approves random drug testing for college football players 1990
Time Inc. aquired Warner Communications for the tidy little sum of
$14.1 billion. Thus began Time Warner, one of the world’s largest media
and entertainment conglomerates.
1990 Time Warner is formed from the merger of Time Inc. and Warner Communications Inc. 1991 Japan ends routine fingerprinting of all adult ethnic Koreans 1991 US Congress begins debate on Persian Gulf crisis 1992 29,000 bath toys owned by the American company First Days Inc. are washed overboard in the Pacific Ocean. 1992 8th Soap Opera Digest Awards 1994 Trial of Lorena Bobbitt who cut off her husband’s penis, begins 1994 Ukraine says it will give up world’s 3rd largest nuclear arsenal 1994 Uzbekistan & Kazakhstan agrees to abolish trade tariffs 1995 Personal posting – Ashley Rebecca Jean Gardner is born in Ketchikan, Alaska, USA 1995 “Late Late Show” with Tom Snyder premieres on CBS at 12 30 AM 1995 The World Youth Day was held in the Philippines. 1996 Israel frees hundreds of Palestinian prisoners 1997 4,000th episode of “Entertainment Tonight” 1997 Dow Corning provides $295 billion to settle breast implant suits 1997 Italy’s new 1,000 lire coin shows divided Germany on map 1997 Right-winger Arnoldo Aleman sworn in as President of Nicaragua 1999 A large piece of the chalk cliff at Beachy Head collapses into the sea. 1999 The HBO television series The Sopranos first aires.
2000 America Online announces an agreement to buy Time Warner for $162 billion, the largest corporate merger in history.
2001 Wikipedia starts as part of Nupedia. It becomes a separate site five days later. 2005
A mudslide occurs in La Conchita, CA, killing 10 people, injuring many
more and closing the Highway 101, the main coastal corridor between San
Francisco and Los Angeles, for 10 days.
2005 Eyre Peninsula Bushfire in South Australia kills nine and injures 113. 2008 Important Islamic date – Islamic New Year January 10, 2008 (1429 A.H.)