So it is a few days late and for that I apologize, things are always crazy this weekend we went and spent your birthday with your aunt and uncle and cousins. It is still hard to imagine what you look like or what kind of man you would be because you were gone so quickly from my life that I never really got the chance to know. But I still think of you and I wish that you could have been here their is so much that I would love to have shown you and taught you. But I know that even when I cant see you my little love that you are there with me still just unseen. Your daddy still doesn’t acknowledge that you where here, I will never understand why, but he has his reasons and although things were bad between us for many years he is a good man just doesn’t understand that someday he is going to have to face you and acknowledge that you truly do exist. Anyways my little love, I just wanted to write this down so that you know I did not forget and that you are always connected to my heart and in my thoughts. Peace love and light my angel, I love you!
Today you are 24 years old, I ask myself what you would be like this is a dark day for me one that always holds a great deal of pain. I wonder if you would be finished with college now or if you would have joined the military and are fighting in a war that you dont believe in. These are some of the things that I wonder as I celebrate your birthday without you. I do not cry anymore at least but the pain of your loss is still running deep. To see you grow up was my dream now i just wish I had that moment back so I could have held you in my arms one time and said good bye to you before they took you away. I imagine your smile in my mind kind of crooked and full of playfulness and I seen your eyes beautiful almond shaped the color of soft green moss, I think and hope that you would look more like me than your father but I would be able to see him in your smile and your eyes when you looked at me. My arms ache with the knowlege that they will never hold you never know the gentle touch of your soft little hands. Happy Birthday my sweet boy I miss you everyday and think of you just as often, I will see you again I know when my journey on this planet is done. I love you always even with my last breath, your mother!
Life is full of contrition but are we at all contrite in the world we live in? the slow stroking hands of time slide slowly moving past us as we wonder where it goes as time passes us so slow, wow your birthday is coming up you are gonna be 24 this year. My little baby who I never got to hold or see laugh, the crystal clear of your eyes problabaly like mine. Your hair definently a cross between his straight and my curly with smooth skin I picure on your face with his angular nose and full mascaline lips that remind me of him. The old woman told him about you when he was 14 but he didnt believe it. July is sneaking up on me so quickly that I am not even sure how to batte the tears that I know are going to come. I just wish that he could cry with me as I cry missing you in my arms, he pretends it doesnt matter, he wont tell his wife becasue she would think I want him back, I have set a goal for my self bay, one year, it will take me one year to feel good about myself again and then i am going to see him. For you baby I hope that he tells his wife when it is all said and done. Until then I count down the days until the day you were born ~ Mommy~
I stand today with the world changing around me my heart still aches today just as it did on the day that you left my life. Twenty one years have passed since the day you left my life and it still hurts to know that you are not a part of my life. I look at pictures of your father and your brothers and sister and I wonder what kind of a brother would you have been? would you have loved them and looked out for them like a good big brother, would you have had a relationship with your biological father as well as your adopted father? would you have laughed at your mother for being so silly about having you in her life. when I close my eyes I see you still with your dark hair and brown eyes and I wonder if any part of you would look like me? Would your father have wanted you had you survived would he have been a part of your life even though he was not a part of mine. I miss you my little angel everyday I think about you and wonder how much we could have shared with you.
So I go to my therapist tonight and he tells me that my trust issues are my own decision, o.k. I can buy off on that to a point but then he tries to justify what happened to me by saying that "David" was sick, yeah he was sick fucking freak who got off on a child come on, he was sick what kind of shit is that to tell someone who has been victimized by someone? And I have trust issues because I chose too? Yeah I choose too fuckin a right why should I trust anyone who is willing to believe that he is sick justifies what was done to me?Needless to say I will not be going back to see this particular therapist frankly if that is all he has to offer in the way of trying to help me I am better off on my own. He is Sick give me a god damn break sick is someone who hears voices in there head tell them to do these things not someone who makes the decision to do them.Trust is my problem? Damn straight when every man in my life has betrayed my trust in one way or another come on how can you expect me to trust? Even my own father has betrayed my trust and if a girl can’t trust her dad who can she trust. Ok getting tired will write more later
Sitting in the quiet recesses of my home I look at events over the last weekend and I have to wonder to myself who that person was, am I truly so far gone from myself that I must resort to such a thing? I know that there are answers to be had and questions that must be raised but I am not going to fade into nothingness once more simply because some people do not wish to hear my truths, I suffer as many do from a disease, the details are not important nor are the particulars of what occurred(for the sake of my children it is kept quiet) needless to say that somewhere between desperation and crushing destruction,I found a new out look on life, it is meant to live not to sit by and wallow in what ever self righteous fury that may come out of the end results, whether I chose to speak of my disease or whether i chose to share it with only those who must know is my decision and mine alone. There is love in my world that is generated not by obligation or forced need but by a true and genuine heart, it took me a while to realize that life's blessings though they may be few and far between are truly wonderful and I count myself lucky and blessed to have known such love.
There are those who do not understand and who will never truly understand the rate of disintegration the mind can take unless they have walked a million miles in the shoes of someone who has felt it. There are no excuses only explanations for those who are deserving of such and for the rest who care only about a perceived slight or a perceived show of disrespect then I suggest you look at your own lives and start cleaning house there for I have no time or energy to play nurse maid to heal your perceived hurts for something that was out of my control.