I danced among the many trees my brother and sister laughed at me but when they stopped they heard the sound of the Goddess as she laughed out loud. Her joy in my dance was not by happen stance she felt the need and fed it deep within me and as her voice echoed through the forest and across the land my brother and sister took my hand and we danced for all to see beneath the canopy of trees.
It is funny the things that I remember from my childhood the smell of coffee in the early morning. The smell of fresh bread baking or cookies. Don’t get me wrong it was not all reinbows and unicorns but it was not a terrible childhood either. My parents they had their moments, my dad worked and worked and played hard. My mom, she was the best, she was the cool-aide mom and the band aide mom and the mom who always made sure that we had something to eat, did our home work and knew that she was always there. This person she has become I dont know or understand and it breaks my heart.
You see as much as I am angry at her, I miss my mom, I miss the person who I knew would always have my back. Who was there in the worst moments of my life. The woman who when I fell down brushed me off and stood me back on my feet. The one who would bake cookies and bring us cool aide while we played outside. I miss the mom who never put anyone else over us and always made sure that no matter what we knew she loved us. That is who I miss!
It makes me so sad the things that we have lost between us, the dreams of making her a grandma and her having a great time spoiling them and loving them and being grandma. The mom who would help me pick out my wedding dress or my graduation dress or my prom dress and would smile at me when I would fidget and tell me to stop that I was beautiful and everything would be just fine. That is the mom I miss, I miss the mom who would spank me when I was wrong and kiss me when I was scared. I miss my mom but I fear that she is dead and gone.
I miss my mom who was my best friend, the person I could count on in the end. I miss my mom the one who knew what I was going threw and did not judge. The one who would give me the gentlest of nudge or a kick in the pants. I miss my mom! Though she is not dead it feels that way to me because this stranger she has become has nothing to do with me. I miss my mom!
Why is it that we as human beings are so blind to reality? If it does not fit into our perfect little concept of the world and what we believe it should be we run away from it! Reality is rarely perfect or easy, but nothing in life ever is!
Despite having been dealing pretty much since I was 21 with the effects of my abuse I still seem to be able to return to that place of helplessness and pain, so many triggers especially in these days of constant turmoil.
I have come to understand that while I am healthier and better equiped to deal with that darkness in my past, it is never truly gone. I have danced around it, I have numbed my body and mind to it, I have raged at it and I have dealt with it and continue to deal with it as the time and years march on. It is not something that I am ever not going to deal with and I understand that now when I am much older.
I still sometimes feel like that scared lost little girl with no where to hide, but and I think this is the most important part I am stronger than I was back then and I am no longer afraid of what will be in the future.
This promise I made SO many years ago forever and a day, it means everything! My promise to him that I will love him forever and a day! No matter the past tomorrow is not Cast today is all We have and yet these words are true because there is nothing in my heart but you! My friend, my love, my soul and my love these are my promise to you. Forever and a day
This is just a random bit of nonsense! I love being a mother. My living children are 20 and 23. While my oldest has moved out my baby is still at home. I enjoy a great relationship with both boys, we are slightly Twisted in our banter. My favorite is mom guilt, gotta love the be I carried you in my body An nine months. Lol it always amazes me that my body created such complex creatures! But it gives me a great deal of joy to be sure, they are like little flowers just opening up to the adventures of life. But Mom guilt now that is where the money is, to tease my boys with the whole how I suffered while pregnant requires only mild exaggerations as anyone who has ever had a kid can tell you. So my advice if you have a twisted sense of humor us it, because it is always fun to guilt your children in play.
I sit quietly and observe the world, it has become my muse! Right now that bitch is making me insane so much anger so much rage. The taste of pain, lingers on the lips. I ask myself how do I escape my cage? Do I break its bars with my impotent rage? Do I allow them to keep me in the place they believe I should be in or do I tell them Don’t box me in! I am a rebel I will not comply, I will stand for what it right And never lie. Your box is inadequate you can not Contain that which is free, Don’t Box me in I can not be contained, I am a master at you mind fuck game. You taught me well where you see my worth, Sadly you are not the first nor will you be the last. So take your neat Package of who you want me to be and stick it because as you can see I will never comply, I am an American and I will not break, I will not hide! I am a rebel who will always side with those who are right! I am a rebel, Don’t box me in!