Why do they not see!

It is difficult to see someone you love in such pain especially when it is something that you can not take away. I had a conversation with my sister this morning she is in tears and all I want to do is go over there and wipe them away and tell her everything will be OK. But the truth is that she can not fix what is broken and no one can until he is willing to admit that there is a problem and deal with the trauma that is causing the his addiction. I love him like a brother and sad to say I know why he is the way he is but I also know that the destructive path leads to two places death and the loss of everything that he holds dear. What can I do? how can I help when I cant even tell him that I know he was hurt too? How do I help him when he wont help himself? more importantly how do I help him save his family when he doesn’t see that he is loosing everything he needs. There is no way to tell him I know without him getting upset and doing something totally stupid. To tell him I have been there, I know that Pain and that I can help you get through the worst of it and conquer what is destroying you and everything you love. HOW do I make him see his self worth when all those who are supposed to build him up tell him he is worthless? How do I tell him that he is better than what he is doing to himself when he is destroying himself. How do I help my sister through the pain that she feels as she watches the man she loves destroy himself and his family treating him like shit? I want so badly to go and punch them all in the face and tell them to go the fuck away, to leave my family alone that they do not deserve to even call him or my sister their family! HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??????? These questions plaque me today as my heart breaks for my sister who is dealing with a husband who had pain so deep the only escape that he can find(that makes sense in his mind) is to be a drunk!

Dear Mom

I decided that since I am currently the evil ungrateful child at least for this week I would write this on here for you, perhaps you will see it perhaps you wont but then it doesn’t matter because I write this for me more than for you.

46 years should have taught you how stubborn I truly am, and how easily it is for me to get dug in and not give up an inch when I know I am right. You seem to be under the misconception that I would allow you to continue to treat me the way you do. No I do not believe in your God or bible. You should be proud you are the one who taught me to think for myself instead you through it up in my face that I do not believe in the things you do. to that I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. your so funny.

As for the kind of parent I am, I think despite my up bringing I am a pretty damn good parent with kids who are awesome young men. But wait you wouldn’t know about that because you have chosen not to be apart of their lives. Your choice to go on the road with Dick head had far reaching effects. Taking you out of the lives of not only your children but your grandchildren. NOT once in 21 years have you ever made the effort to be there for the kids in ANY way. I do not say this because I expect it to change, I say this because its the simple truth.

I needed you and you were not there, so I moved forward, I raised my boys to be awesome young men who respect me and who are loving and kind and generous. But you would not know that because YOU CHOSE to not be there for them to get to know them, even now I invite you for something special and you don’t come because HE doesn’t want too, I find it odd that HE will let you go to see HIS kids but your kids HELL NO, why? Because we don’t like him and we make no bones about it because he is an ABUSIVE dick who keeps you from us? HMMMMM Wonder how he would feel if his Mother hooked up with someone who beat her, pointed guns in her face and treated her like she was nothing more than cattle to be used and abused for his own pleasures and needs. Bet that person would not be in his mamma’s life for long.

But lets address some of the things you have said to me in this last round of make Beba feel badly about herself. “You let your kids drink and God only knows what else you let them do” REALLY??? I Mean REALLY MAMMA you wanna through the fact that my 21 year old son drinks and that I allow my 17 year old to drink because I AM THERE supervising him instead of him out drinking with his idiot friends doing who knows what and putting his life in danger? Hmm mm let me see, I was 7 years old the first time I smoked a joint that YOU provided me, so that you and Dad could party with Sandy and Wayne in peace and we would not be a problem. HAHAHAHA yeah thought I forgot about that No but hey that’s cool selective memory thy name is Judy……

Exploding Rage

So I think I am in social media over load! Today and many days in the last Two weeks I have been feeling like that scared Little girl all over again! I am tired of seeing women demonized and victimized by these morally repugnant assholes who think it is great fun to make fun of victims of sexual assault! There is nothing funny about it! Anyone who thinks that it is okay to publicly belittle someone for something they had no control over is soulless and not someone we should look up too!

Enough Political soap box this is where I find my Zen! Telling my story releases the pain I have carried 45 Years. So where did I leave off?

So let’s go back a few years, the effects of the Abuse began to show is my early teens, I did not value myself this would become a real problem. I had my first Consensual experience at the ripe age of eleven! Again with a family member, I would later learn he was a victim as well!

This went on, sporadically over the years until I was about 16. I spent those years trying to over come it all! It hasn’t happened I still feel like that little girl who is powerless to stop the insanity of self loathing! Anyways, life never let’s up even when your young!

After the molestation ended I never saw David after that he spent his life in a drunken homeless haze until his death! I wish I could say I recovered, I wish I could say that it didn’t effect my life! 45 years after the first time it is still clear in some respects others not so much.

It is a myth that we can remember everything, what I remember is bad enough I don’t need worse Memories to compound it. I Spent my teenage Years making myself numb to it all

Why I didn’t tell

The path I Chose was a hard one to be sure, my Family a place I never felt secure. I did not tell until much later because of so many reasons the biggest was fear, I know my parents Love me that was never in doubt but the reality of the abuse was something they would not believe. I think about it quit a bit and I know that even as I sit here writing this that they would never understand the Pain I went through or accept that it is real. To call it denial is an understatement the belief that someone so traumatized will tell is a fantasy. What people do not understand that the trauma of being used in such a Way literally destroys a part of who you are a part of you that can never be recovered. I tried to explain it in so many different ways and it boils down to a tearing at the very Fabric of your soul. with the revelations of my family I began to wonder how we can end a cycle that goes back Generations! I think that by telling my story and how it has shaped me into the woman I have become.

In vain

Invain by Elizabeth Angel

A child cries, a silent scream, terror around and danger unseen.
Little souls precious and untried, tomorrows hope has died.
Little stranger never known yet pain and anguish we have sown.
Alone in darkness mommy cries and daddies tears for tomorrows lies.
Nothing changes always the same life and innocence only a game.
Rata-tat-tat echos the halls, vibrating pictures on the walls.
Shattered glass and lost souls, a madmans bullet a child should not know.
The hue and cry gone on to long only stranger are left to hear the song.
Wheeping tears yet nothing to change does anyone remember their names?
Tomorrows future falls to the ground covered in blood from a semi-automatic round.
Destruction and fear their last memory as their voices cry out in an terror harmony.
Death comes to soon what a tragic end when tomorrow comes its a prayer again.
And still nothing changes.
Indiscriminent the death toll rises, no one sees the literal crisis.
Politicans they dont care, its not their children dying in there, a madmans rage they have never heard.
When tomorrow comes and the blood wipes away. What is left but a head stone and a grave.
If silent we stand then all that will remain, death and destruction.
Children Dead invain!

Dear America

I have been quietly reflecting on the things that we saw over the weekend, things that should not have happened. I have watched and read feeds and comments from all of my friends and family. Varying opinions from the far right to the far left and everything in between.

I have silently sat back and observed a lot of different opinions and a lot of hateful remarks and snide comments and a varying spectrum of bitterness and anger. This did not just start this has been going on for generations. It has never been a huge secret that there are racial problems in this country they have always been there, it is only in the last 9 years that we have seen once again a rise in the calls for equality. Should we silence the voices of ANY American seeking equality for the sake of peace?

So to all my staunch supporters of Trump friends you are right this is not something that Trump started but it is something that by his in action has condoned, the fact that only after the vast majority of his party called upon him to condemn the racist neo-Nazi, nationalist and KKK extremist parties who were by the way jumping for glee when he did not directly condemn their actions is what people are seeing as his supporting these right wing nut jobs. I am not attacking you I am explaining from a left side what they are seeing. Is it true, probably not, but that is what they see.

They see a president who is more concerned with his agenda than the state of the people in his country and uniting us as we should be instead of keeping us divided. Oh don’t worry I am not done, I have somethings to say to the left as well, but I would add this to what I am saying to you. Take a very close look at the man you support, pay attention to what is really happening even behind closed doors and remember that which is done in the dark will always come out in the light.

To my left leaning folks out there, I hear what you are saying and some of it I agree completely with, but you see I can’t help but think that while I am watching what you are doing since the election has been to attack. You have marched through the streets wearing vaginas on your heads and screamed and gotten in the faces of anyone who does not agree with your agenda either. What is so different than you from those Neo-Nazi terrorists that were marching this past weekend in Charlottesville? Because you are right? Why? You all want to blame this on Donald Trump but these issues were there when Obama was in office and you know it. Why were you not crying out for him to stop the violence that was occurring in Ferguson, or Boston or any of the other places where riots and hate were being spewed? Because he was your president? Well I hate to tell you this but He sucked.

You want Trump to denounce racists and hate groups like the KKK and yet when rioters were burning down the cities of Ferguson, or Baltimore or any of the other cities that have had riots in the last 8 years Obama was strangely silent. He did not condemn their actions he did not call it what it was hate. Is that going to heal a racial divide that he fostered with this silence? You know it won’t, no one group is right here both have to look at what they are doing and quite frankly quit acting like spoiled children toughing temper tantrums because they did not get their way and start trying to make real changes the right way.

Do we need to stand together against racists hell yes, we do, do we need to ensure that ALL AMERICANS whether they are pink, purple, black, brown or white are all treated equally? Absolutely should we allow ANYONE spewing hate for another race to do so on American Soil NO we should not, this includes groups that are not white you know like Nation of Islam or the New Black Panthers, these groups while they want the right things their Ideologies do not work if we are to have a truly equal society.


“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness.”

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Painful world

Sadness wells with every flicker of the evening news, it is always such a terrible outside world. Worry and fear of what tomorrow will bring, mommies and daddies they are dying before their babies eyes. The world is out of control as each step we take seems to be heading toward doom. I close my eyes so full of pain at the world we live in today, so much pain it is almost more than can be born. Where are the happy times? where is the love for life? Tomorrow is another day and we all must find a way to bring forth the good in our world help out brothers and sister and change the path we are following today with the hopes that tomorrow will lead us to a new path where peace and happiness with fill our hearts.
It is a sad life when we close our eyes and dream of the pain in a world where nothing seems normal. tomorrow is a new day but for many it will never come, do we shift away from this anger and hate and find the truth that we hide from.