Despite having been dealing pretty much since I was 21 with the effects of my abuse I still seem to be able to return to that place of helplessness and pain, so many triggers especially in these days of constant turmoil.
I have come to understand that while I am healthier and better equiped to deal with that darkness in my past, it is never truly gone. I have danced around it, I have numbed my body and mind to it, I have raged at it and I have dealt with it and continue to deal with it as the time and years march on. It is not something that I am ever not going to deal with and I understand that now when I am much older.
I still sometimes feel like that scared lost little girl with no where to hide, but and I think this is the most important part I am stronger than I was back then and I am no longer afraid of what will be in the future.
This promise I made SO many years ago forever and a day, it means everything! My promise to him that I will love him forever and a day! No matter the past tomorrow is not Cast today is all We have and yet these words are true because there is nothing in my heart but you! My friend, my love, my soul and my love these are my promise to you. Forever and a day
This is just a random bit of nonsense! I love being a mother. My living children are 20 and 23. While my oldest has moved out my baby is still at home. I enjoy a great relationship with both boys, we are slightly Twisted in our banter. My favorite is mom guilt, gotta love the be I carried you in my body An nine months. Lol it always amazes me that my body created such complex creatures! But it gives me a great deal of joy to be sure, they are like little flowers just opening up to the adventures of life. But Mom guilt now that is where the money is, to tease my boys with the whole how I suffered while pregnant requires only mild exaggerations as anyone who has ever had a kid can tell you. So my advice if you have a twisted sense of humor us it, because it is always fun to guilt your children in play.
I sit quietly and observe the world, it has become my muse! Right now that bitch is making me insane so much anger so much rage. The taste of pain, lingers on the lips. I ask myself how do I escape my cage? Do I break its bars with my impotent rage? Do I allow them to keep me in the place they believe I should be in or do I tell them Don’t box me in! I am a rebel I will not comply, I will stand for what it right And never lie. Your box is inadequate you can not Contain that which is free, Don’t Box me in I can not be contained, I am a master at you mind fuck game. You taught me well where you see my worth, Sadly you are not the first nor will you be the last. So take your neat Package of who you want me to be and stick it because as you can see I will never comply, I am an American and I will not break, I will not hide! I am a rebel who will always side with those who are right! I am a rebel, Don’t box me in!
It is difficult to see someone you love in such pain especially when it is something that you can not take away. I had a conversation with my sister this morning she is in tears and all I want to do is go over there and wipe them away and tell her everything will be OK. But the truth is that she can not fix what is broken and no one can until he is willing to admit that there is a problem and deal with the trauma that is causing the his addiction. I love him like a brother and sad to say I know why he is the way he is but I also know that the destructive path leads to two places death and the loss of everything that he holds dear. What can I do? how can I help when I cant even tell him that I know he was hurt too? How do I help him when he wont help himself? more importantly how do I help him save his family when he doesn’t see that he is loosing everything he needs. There is no way to tell him I know without him getting upset and doing something totally stupid. To tell him I have been there, I know that Pain and that I can help you get through the worst of it and conquer what is destroying you and everything you love. HOW do I make him see his self worth when all those who are supposed to build him up tell him he is worthless? How do I tell him that he is better than what he is doing to himself when he is destroying himself. How do I help my sister through the pain that she feels as she watches the man she loves destroy himself and his family treating him like shit? I want so badly to go and punch them all in the face and tell them to go the fuck away, to leave my family alone that they do not deserve to even call him or my sister their family! HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??????? These questions plaque me today as my heart breaks for my sister who is dealing with a husband who had pain so deep the only escape that he can find(that makes sense in his mind) is to be a drunk!
I decided that since I am currently the evil ungrateful child at least for this week I would write this on here for you, perhaps you will see it perhaps you wont but then it doesn’t matter because I write this for me more than for you.
46 years should have taught you how stubborn I truly am, and how easily it is for me to get dug in and not give up an inch when I know I am right. You seem to be under the misconception that I would allow you to continue to treat me the way you do. No I do not believe in your God or bible. You should be proud you are the one who taught me to think for myself instead you through it up in my face that I do not believe in the things you do. to that I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. your so funny.
As for the kind of parent I am, I think despite my up bringing I am a pretty damn good parent with kids who are awesome young men. But wait you wouldn’t know about that because you have chosen not to be apart of their lives. Your choice to go on the road with Dick head had far reaching effects. Taking you out of the lives of not only your children but your grandchildren. NOT once in 21 years have you ever made the effort to be there for the kids in ANY way. I do not say this because I expect it to change, I say this because its the simple truth.
I needed you and you were not there, so I moved forward, I raised my boys to be awesome young men who respect me and who are loving and kind and generous. But you would not know that because YOU CHOSE to not be there for them to get to know them, even now I invite you for something special and you don’t come because HE doesn’t want too, I find it odd that HE will let you go to see HIS kids but your kids HELL NO, why? Because we don’t like him and we make no bones about it because he is an ABUSIVE dick who keeps you from us? HMMMMM Wonder how he would feel if his Mother hooked up with someone who beat her, pointed guns in her face and treated her like she was nothing more than cattle to be used and abused for his own pleasures and needs. Bet that person would not be in his mamma’s life for long.
But lets address some of the things you have said to me in this last round of make Beba feel badly about herself. “You let your kids drink and God only knows what else you let them do” REALLY??? I Mean REALLY MAMMA you wanna through the fact that my 21 year old son drinks and that I allow my 17 year old to drink because I AM THERE supervising him instead of him out drinking with his idiot friends doing who knows what and putting his life in danger? Hmm mm let me see, I was 7 years old the first time I smoked a joint that YOU provided me, so that you and Dad could party with Sandy and Wayne in peace and we would not be a problem. HAHAHAHA yeah thought I forgot about that No but hey that’s cool selective memory thy name is Judy……
So I think I am in social media over load! Today and many days in the last Two weeks I have been feeling like that scared Little girl all over again! I am tired of seeing women demonized and victimized by these morally repugnant assholes who think it is great fun to make fun of victims of sexual assault! There is nothing funny about it! Anyone who thinks that it is okay to publicly belittle someone for something they had no control over is soulless and not someone we should look up too!
Enough Political soap box this is where I find my Zen! Telling my story releases the pain I have carried 45 Years. So where did I leave off?
So let’s go back a few years, the effects of the Abuse began to show is my early teens, I did not value myself this would become a real problem. I had my first Consensual experience at the ripe age of eleven! Again with a family member, I would later learn he was a victim as well!
This went on, sporadically over the years until I was about 16. I spent those years trying to over come it all! It hasn’t happened I still feel like that little girl who is powerless to stop the insanity of self loathing! Anyways, life never let’s up even when your young!
After the molestation ended I never saw David after that he spent his life in a drunken homeless haze until his death! I wish I could say I recovered, I wish I could say that it didn’t effect my life! 45 years after the first time it is still clear in some respects others not so much.
It is a myth that we can remember everything, what I remember is bad enough I don’t need worse Memories to compound it. I Spent my teenage Years making myself numb to it all