Sadness wells with every flicker of the evening news, it is always such a terrible outside world. Worry and fear of what tomorrow will bring, mommies and daddies they are dying before their babies eyes. The world is out of control as each step we take seems to be heading toward doom. I close my eyes so full of pain at the world we live in today, so much pain it is almost more than can be born. Where are the happy times? where is the love for life? Tomorrow is another day and we all must find a way to bring forth the good in our world help out brothers and sister and change the path we are following today with the hopes that tomorrow will lead us to a new path where peace and happiness with fill our hearts.
It is a sad life when we close our eyes and dream of the pain in a world where nothing seems normal. tomorrow is a new day but for many it will never come, do we shift away from this anger and hate and find the truth that we hide from.
So I was telling you all about my family history of abuse, I should explain that it was not always that way, not a daily thing at least not for me, I can not speak for the rest of my cousins. But I had a pretty cool childhood in my small circle family, the greatest dad ever, who has been an inspiration to me for as long as I can remember even to the point that I would get tattoos which drives him crazy, but it was his influence that made me want them. My sister, always my best friend and side kick in things that we probably shouldn’t be doing but did them anyways. I am always grateful that I have such a sister and friend she is truly one of the most generous people I have ever know, loving and kind with some serious rough edges if you cross her.
Then my mom, my mom and I we have a complicated relationship, When I was a little girl she was the per-verbal cool-aide mom was always home and so we spent a great deal of time with our mom at least until we got older. She was one of the sweetest women you could ever want to meet. Loved everyone, went out of her way for everyone and did her best to make us a wonderful home life. It was not always easy for mom she dealt with her own personal demons which I firmly believe she has not actually dealt with and things were not always easy for her and my dad. They could fight sometimes it was violent not often but often enough. Now you have to remember I grew up in the 70’s so things were vastly different from our generation to now.
What was personal business between a husband and wife would be considered everyone’s business now. I actually think in some ways it not being others business was not always a bad thing. Anyways, like I said my mom had her own demons that she never actually dealt with and I think that is part of our problem today. Although I would never tell her how to live her life or what to do about her “demons” I do know that she and I have been butting heads since I was a small child, my sister says its because we are to much alike, but I think it is more that I am not like her in many ways because of those differences we have a rocky relationship.
It has truly been an insane year yes, but I look back at all that has been gained and lost and I think about where I would be right now if not for the angels that surround me and I know without a doubt I would be lost. I look at the sky so blue and I see your eyes and I remember your smile that would warm the coldest of soul. I think about the times we shared and the times we have missed and I wish you were still here but I know you were needed else where and although my heart aches at your loss I know when I close my eyes you are there giving me comfort where I need you to be. You see there are some people just to good for this place and their lives are so much more difficult than we mortals will ever understand. I still miss you a great deal but I know that you are in a better place and away from the pain but just so you know I am still your biggest fan!
If we can not find common ground in a world of insanity we as a species are doomed to die at our own hands. People get so fired up and so angry anymore that there is really nothing that will sway them from their belief that everyone and everything is wrong accept what they believe. There is so much anger and negative energy in this world that even tomorrow will not be enough to change what is happening. It is truly sad that we will end with anger when there is so much beauty in this world and there is still the hope that we can be better if we but stop the brutal attacks on each other, the anger at someone who might have a different opinion or idea, the hate over what one believes and the truly sad idea that someone can not be who they are because your religious views say as much.
There are people in this world who have created such negative space that it is effecting everyone and everything. I am no exception to this, but I am eliminating the negative and I am going to remove it from the world around me and I hope that maybe someday the world will see that we all bleed the same color no matter what we believe, we are all at the end of the day the same underneath the skin. What does peace look like? Peace the place where everyone is free to believe what they will and practice what they will as long as they are doing no harm to others. Peace is where two people no matter their race, gender or culture can fall in love and marry because that is what they want. Peace is having a difference of opinion and allowing the other side to voice theirs without becoming hostile and attacking the other person for their opinion. Yes, I am guilty of this and I am ashamed of myself for doing so, so I will remove the negative from my world ALL of it and hope that in the months to come the world will find the peace that I am searching for and that we can all move forward without the negativity.
I sometimes wonder who exactly it is that I am. My world has become such a strange place, I look forward and backward and still do not understand all the dynamics that have taken place in my life to shape who I am. My children are my world and I know that I am a great mother because they are great kids, they have become amazing young men who continue to inspire me everyday. I am a fairly good wife I am not perfect in this respect I am know that I love my husband beyond anything that I have ever known as far as love goes, but I could be better and I could be worse.
I see things so much differently now than I did when I was 20 and I wonder what that young woman would say now if she could see where she would end up. Would she be proud of the hurdles and trials we have passed, would she be freaked out at the things we have done in the life time we have lived since then? What is it that makes us who we are? is it the people we are taught and raised by or is it how we as people deal with the things that come our way? Every challenge., every test, every good or bad event? are these the things that shape who we are?
Some of what I have written has told part of a story that has long since been put to rest but the need to tell this story that might help someone else along the way is important and I hope that I can make a difference in someones lives. I love you……… that is what I need to say, this is who I am, I love you……. because to not is wrong…… I love you because it feels good to say and to feel….. I love you
Sleep is hard to come by some nights, my eyes want to close and yet I still fight. There is much to say and so little time, life moves quickly, quicker than this rythm. Flashes of what could be or perhaps they are reality who knows but sleep still wont come to me.
I close my eyes and there I am stuck in my head without a sound, waiting patiently for the dreams to begin when sleep should carry me away again. Yet here I sit in this dark gloomy space waiting and wondering what will take place.
Sleep is hard to come by it seems for what does it truly mean, to shut down the mind to loose control to not understand but just let go. Sleep that place most find where peace and dreams fill the mind but when I close my eyes I see only black staring back at me. Where is sleep? Where has it gone? Why am I the only one home? Sleep so elusive and fast I just wish it would come at last.