I sometimes wonder who exactly it is that I am. My world has become such a strange place, I look forward and backward and still do not understand all the dynamics that have taken place in my life to shape who I am. My children are my world and I know that I am a great mother because they are great kids, they have become amazing young men who continue to inspire me everyday. I am a fairly good wife I am not perfect in this respect I am know that I love my husband beyond anything that I have ever known as far as love goes, but I could be better and I could be worse.
I see things so much differently now than I did when I was 20 and I wonder what that young woman would say now if she could see where she would end up. Would she be proud of the hurdles and trials we have passed, would she be freaked out at the things we have done in the life time we have lived since then? What is it that makes us who we are? is it the people we are taught and raised by or is it how we as people deal with the things that come our way? Every challenge., every test, every good or bad event? are these the things that shape who we are?
Some of what I have written has told part of a story that has long since been put to rest but the need to tell this story that might help someone else along the way is important and I hope that I can make a difference in someones lives. I love you……… that is what I need to say, this is who I am, I love you……. because to not is wrong…… I love you because it feels good to say and to feel….. I love you
My earliest memories are all very good memories, at least until the age of five, it is at this time that my life would begin to change forever. My cousin David came to live with us, he was much older than me in his teens at this time. I remember thinking it was kind of cool I had an older brother when I was the oldest in my house hold. I adored David, but my adoration turned to fear not to long after he moved in with us.
It is funny somethings you can remember quit clearly and others you can not, I remember the first time that my parents left us alone with David while they went out with their friends. I was five as I said and my sister about three maybe a little older. David was baby sitting while my parents were out. Momma had bathed us and gotten us into our pj’s that night I remember they were a strange poly blend but they were my favorite ones they were light yellow and green and pink and blue.
My sister and I were playing in our bedroom, the house was small, there was a nice kitchen and living room and then my parents room, the bathroom and our room were all connected with no doors. This particular night David was watching TV, and we were playing with our dolls in the bedroom, when he called me into the living room and made my sister stay in the bedroom. This was the first time that I had touched a penis let alone seen one as he made me give him oral sex. I remember wondering why was he doing this, Daddy never did this with me, anyways that was how it began.
And how I began to retreat into myself, from the fun energetic little girl to the hidden secrets that lay beneath. That was the beginning for me in a journey that would span a life time and that I am still living to this day, although in a much healthier and productive way than back in those days.
There is much about the past that seems to be an enigma even to me the one who lived it. Living with a disease is never easy but most assuredly it is not easy when it is mental illness, growing up there were a lot of indicators that I would eventually have depression and that I would eventually have to deal with it on a daily basis. What I did not realize was the impact that it would have on my life and the decisions I would make along the road to becoming the adult I am now.
The reality that I have this dreaded disease something that as I understand now is quit common and can be hereditary began to show itself in the formative years and shyness and quiet retreat, as I got older it showed in other ways, drug use and promiscuous behavior. Self-destructive behaviors were normal for me. It began though in the early years, having suffered at the hands of a family member, sexual abuse that would continue to define my life and lead me to more and more reckless behavior.
Looking at it now I know it for what it is, but it would be many years before I would come to terms with the things that caused trauma in my life. And many more years before I would be well enough to discuss it openly with so many people who have found themselves in the same dark place. In my family it was normal, I do not believe that there are many family members at least in my generation who did not suffer some kind of abuse during those years of growing up.
We all carry the scars from that time and now must learn to define our lives as something other than broken abused children. It is for me cathartic that I was able to deal with and find peace with the ugliness of the past that we grew up in, suffering at the hands of our own family members. So I had to ask myself where and when did it begin? Who allowed this hideous past to continue trickling down into every generation that followed? How many more lives have to be shattered before they realize that by keeping silent they are destroying lives?
All good questions yes? but one problem there are no answers, so what am I supposed to do? At least these were the things that I asked myself while I was going through the healing process. As my mamma always said ” Pick yourself up and dust yourself off” yes but somethings are not so easy to get away from and this is one of those things. How do I live day to day with the after math of sexual abuse by someone I loved?
Getting right with myself was the first step in making it through the quagmire of lies and secrets that have kept my family in silence for many years. For me, the fear died when I was 21 all that was left was rage, and depression and a need to destroy the very person that I should have been healing and protecting, Myself.
This is my journey, along with some poetry and other things I will use this space to begin a trip through my journey in the hope that some where along the way I might help someone in need so that they know that like me, they are not to blame for the things that happened to them and that there is hope at the end of that darkness.
Sleep is hard to come by some nights, my eyes want to close and yet I still fight. There is much to say and so little time, life moves quickly, quicker than this rythm. Flashes of what could be or perhaps they are reality who knows but sleep still wont come to me.
I close my eyes and there I am stuck in my head without a sound, waiting patiently for the dreams to begin when sleep should carry me away again. Yet here I sit in this dark gloomy space waiting and wondering what will take place.
Sleep is hard to come by it seems for what does it truly mean, to shut down the mind to loose control to not understand but just let go. Sleep that place most find where peace and dreams fill the mind but when I close my eyes I see only black staring back at me. Where is sleep? Where has it gone? Why am I the only one home? Sleep so elusive and fast I just wish it would come at last.
Is it a dream I see, do my eyes decieve me, is there something wrong with the way I carry on? Life moves so quickly I see the change with out me. Am I being left behind or is it the truth that is so hard to find.
I close my eyes at night and wonder truthfully without a fight where has the time gone moving so quickly almost like a song. Passing me by all I see is flashes of the past and what could be. Dreaming has become the only way to carry on as I move forward in the sea of night where only the darkness can win the fight and wonder what it al truly means and I hear living this dream.
Tomorrow seems so far away it is only the dreams that are here to stay. So I close my eyes and hope to see tomorrow looking back at me. The hopes and dreams of yesterday have given way to tomorrows reality. I perfer it here where the dreams let me be in the present without tomorrow to see. So close your eyes and dream and remember that the future is where dreams begin and were reality will end.
I close my eyes and I see flames rage that boils into my dreams, pictures in my mind I never wanted to see, silently I scream wanting to rend and tear at the asshole who dared……… What kind of animal does such a thing, why do I feel like I am stuck in this helish nightmare a never ending dream.
What are my choices truly do you care? Would you care to know how it feels to helpless and alone? would you care to know the confusion and pain that you have caused just the same? Do you even care that you hurt what I cherish more than anything in this life? do you have any idea how easily I could take your life?
Hate is to weak of term for what I feel right now blind impotent rage is where I am at. I can not get it out of my mind that you shit bag put your hands on what is most important to me. Destroyed his inoncence and did not give a damn. Trust me when I say there is a special place in hell for monsters like you. and if I believed in Hell I would wish you there. but Karma is a mother fucker baby and your day will come.
BUT KNOW THIS WHO EVER YOU ARE! I FUCKING HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING AND I WILL ENJOY WATCHING YOU DESTROY YOURSELF FROM AFAR. AND IF YOU EVER SO MUCH AS GLANCE AT HIM AGAIN I WILL BECOME THE MONSTER WITHIN AND TEAR YOU APART AS I WANT TO DO AT THIS MOMENT. PEACE OUT BITCH REMEMBER THIS KARMA IS COMING FOR YOU AND YOU WILL ONE DAY GET YOUR JUST DUE.