Dear Mom

I decided that since I am currently the evil ungrateful child at least for this week I would write this on here for you, perhaps you will see it perhaps you wont but then it doesn’t matter because I write this for me more than for you.

46 years should have taught you how stubborn I truly am, and how easily it is for me to get dug in and not give up an inch when I know I am right. You seem to be under the misconception that I would allow you to continue to treat me the way you do. No I do not believe in your God or bible. You should be proud you are the one who taught me to think for myself instead you through it up in my face that I do not believe in the things you do. to that I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. your so funny.

As for the kind of parent I am, I think despite my up bringing I am a pretty damn good parent with kids who are awesome young men. But wait you wouldn’t know about that because you have chosen not to be apart of their lives. Your choice to go on the road with Dick head had far reaching effects. Taking you out of the lives of not only your children but your grandchildren. NOT once in 21 years have you ever made the effort to be there for the kids in ANY way. I do not say this because I am jealous of the relationship you have with the girls but you put more effort into seeing them and getting to know them than you did in getting to know my kids.

I needed you and you were not there, so I moved forward, I raised my boys to be awesome young men who respect me and who are loving and kind and generous. But you would not know that because YOU CHOSE to not be there for them to get to know them, even now I invite you for something special and you don’t come because HE doesn’t want too, I find it odd that HE will let you go to see HIS kids but your kids HELL NO, why? Because we don’t like him and we make no bones about it because he is an ABUSIVE dick who keeps you from us? HMMMMM Wonder how he would feel if his Mother hooked up with someone who beat her, pointed guns in her face and treated her like she was nothing more than cattle to be used and abused for his own pleasures and needs. Bet that person would not be in his mamma’s life for long.

But lets address some of the things you have said to me in this last round of make beba feel badly about herself. “You let your kids drink and God only knows what else you let them do” REALLY??? I Mean REALLY MAMMA you wanna through the fact that my 21 year old son drinks and that I allow my 17 year old to drink because I AM THERE supervising him instead of him out drinking with his idiot friends doing who knows what and putting his life in danger? Hmm mm let me see, I was 7 years old the first time I smoked a joint that YOU provided me, so that you and Dad could party with Sandy and Wayne in peace and we would not be a problem. HAHAHAHA yeah thought I forgot about that No but hey thats cool selective memory thy name is Judy……

Exploding Rage

So I think I am in social media over load! Today and many days in the last Two weeks I have been feeling like that scared Little girl all over again! I am tired of seeing women demonized and victimized by these morally repugnant assholes who think it is great fun to make fun of victims of sexual assault! There is nothing funny about it! Anyone who thinks that it is okay to publically belittle someone for something they had no control over is souless and not someone we should look up too!

Enough Political soap box this is where I find my Zen! Telling my story releases the pain I have carried 45 Years. So where did I leave off?

So let’s go back a few years, the effects of the Abuse began to show is my early teens, I did not value myself this would become a real problem. I had my first Consensual experience at the ripe age of eleven! Again with a family member, I would later learn he was a victim as well!

This went on, sporadically over the years until I was about 16. I spent those years tring to over come it all! It hasn’t happened I still feel like that little girl who is powerless to stop the insanity of self loathing! Anyways, life never let’s up even when your young!

After the molestation ended I never saw David after that he spent his life in a drunken homeless haze until his death! I wish I could say I recovered, I wish I could say that it didn’t effect my life! 45 years after the first time it is still clear in some respects others not so much.

It is a myth that we can remember everything, what I remember is bad enough I don’t need worse Memories to compound it. I Spent my teenage Years making myself numb to it all

Why I didn’t tell

The path I Chose was a hard one to be sure, my Family a place I never felt secure. I did not tell until much later because of so many reasons the biggest was fear, I know my parents Love me that was never in doubt but the reality of the abuse was csomething they would not believe. I think about it quit a bit and I know that even as I it here writing this that they would never understand the Pain I went through or accept that it is real. To call it denial is an understatement the belief that someone so traumatized will tell is a fantasy. What people do not understand that the trauma of being used in such a Way literally destroys a part of who you are a part of you that can never be recovered. I tried to explain it in so many different ways and it boils down to a tearing at the very Fabric of your soul. with the revelations of my family I began to wonder how we can end a cycle that goes back Generations! I think that by telling my story and how it has shaped me into the woman I have become.

I am still an American

I am still an American, I am different than you! I am still an American even though I vote blue, I am still an American but you don’t Care you use my differences that is not fair. I am still an American but you don’t see there are not as many differences between you and me. I want the usame things that I know you do to live in peace and still vote blue. I am an American but I am not heard, I am not alone in the things I need but no one cares to let me be heard. I am an American just like you but you ignore me because I vote blue!

A Day of Memories

So here I am sitting in my office trying to get ready for a fund raiser coming up and my mind plays back on the years of missing out on my family. It has been a very long time since all of us have been together under the same roof for anything other than a funeral. I remember his funeral it was a long as day to be sure.

I was still dealing with the effects of my childhood abuse when he died at my dads house, I knew that I had to forgive him for the past but it was no easy task that one especially when the one person who has always been my hero and the rock in which I leaned on. Even though he had no clue about the past until this time, my dad was the last to know (except for his mom and sister and brother I never told them) and his response I would discover later had a much more devastating effect on me than I had thought it would.

You see my dad did not believe that the molestation had happened and when he confronted me it was to tell me that ” I don’t believe it” and that was OK, because I know what happened. Sadly I lost a little something with my dad over this one. You see as hard as it was he wanted me to do something that while I was not comfortable doing it, I did it for him, something that in hind sight I wish I had not done.

I told my one cousin, who told my dad and my dad asked me to tell her that I lied. It was not something that I would have done under any other circumstances but she had just lost her brother and I didn’t want to leave her with that image of him as a monster because I loved her and that was not fair to her. But it destroyed a little of my trust that I had with my dad because even though I know what happened and I can describe what I wore the first time, he still did not believe me and then asked me to do something that hurt me to my core.

So here I am I tell my cousin that it was a lie she believes this because she needs too and that is the beginning of a journey that I would embark upon alone because truthfully who was gonna help me my parents who I love are both a mess one believes it never happened and the other doesn’t wanna talk about anything that might be upsetting to her world view.

You see there is a deeper darker secret than my little blurb in the family tree, and that is that it has been happening for generations in our family and yet no one thought to stop it. I wont name names but one of my uncles abused numerous members of the family including my mother who was also abused by her biological father after he kidnapped her and my Aunt and took them to Texas for a year. But those are not my stories to tell, so I will leave them at this place but it appears there is a long line of abuse in my family that goes back farther than I realized.

 

Growing up with a terrible secret!

Getting back to my childhood, I changed after time, where I was an outspoken vibrant little girl, I became withdrawn and quiet. Painfully shy and deep within myself, I had my world changed and it would continue to evolve, its funny I can remember the first time like yesterday, but what followed over the five years until it ended when I was ten is fuzzy at best and fleeting most of the time. I was not so much a lonely child I had friends and I had plenty of love and I would eventually come out of my shell again. But I would be about 12 years old when that happened.

As I explained David was one of my favorite cousins, and not to make excusses for what he did, the abuse only occurred when he was drunk and high, which was most of the time. It makes you wonder what could cause a 17 year old to become an alcoholic at such a young age? I often wonder, but those answers I probably wont ever get cause fo r the most part anyone with those answers are either dead or living in the land of denial.

Anyways, David would not be a permanent part of my life he would drift in and out for many years. There were times I dreaded going home because he would be there and other times not so much excitement bu t glad to see him. In general he was not a terrible person, but he was not a wonderful person either, from my perspective I think he was a very troubled person who probably had some really bad shit happen to him.