So I was telling you all about my family history of abuse, I should explain that it was not always that way, not a daily thing at least not for me, I can not speak for the rest of my cousins. But I had a pretty cool childhood in my small circle family, the greatest dad ever, who has been an inspiration to me for as long as I can remember even to the point that I would get tattoos which drives him crazy, but it was his influence that made me want them. My sister, always my best friend and side kick in things that we probably shouldn’t be doing but did them anyways. I am always grateful that I have such a sister and friend she is truly one of the most generous people I have ever know, loving and kind with some serious rough edges if you cross her.
Then my mom, my mom and I we have a complicated relationship, When I was a little girl she was the per-verbal cool-aide mom was always home and so we spent a great deal of time with our mom at least until we got older. She was one of the sweetest women you could ever want to meet. Loved everyone, went out of her way for everyone and did her best to make us a wonderful home life. It was not always easy for mom she dealt with her own personal demons which I firmly believe she has not actually dealt with and things were not always easy for her and my dad. They could fight sometimes it was violent not often but often enough. Now you have to remember I grew up in the 70’s so things were vastly different from our generation to now.
What was personal business between a husband and wife would be considered everyone’s business now. I actually think in some ways it not being others business was not always a bad thing. Anyways, like I said my mom had her own demons that she never actually dealt with and I think that is part of our problem today. Although I would never tell her how to live her life or what to do about her “demons” I do know that she and I have been butting heads since I was a small child, my sister says its because we are to much alike, but I think it is more that I am not like her in many ways because of those differences we have a rocky relationship.
It has truly been an insane year yes, but I look back at all that has been gained and lost and I think about where I would be right now if not for the angels that surround me and I know without a doubt I would be lost. I look at the sky so blue and I see your eyes and I remember your smile that would warm the coldest of soul. I think about the times we shared and the times we have missed and I wish you were still here but I know you were needed else where and although my heart aches at your loss I know when I close my eyes you are there giving me comfort where I need you to be. You see there are some people just to good for this place and their lives are so much more difficult than we mortals will ever understand. I still miss you a great deal but I know that you are in a better place and away from the pain but just so you know I am still your biggest fan!
If we can not find common ground in a world of insanity we as a species are doomed to die at our own hands. People get so fired up and so angry anymore that there is really nothing that will sway them from their belief that everyone and everything is wrong accept what they believe. There is so much anger and negative energy in this world that even tomorrow will not be enough to change what is happening. It is truly sad that we will end with anger when there is so much beauty in this world and there is still the hope that we can be better if we but stop the brutal attacks on each other, the anger at someone who might have a different opinion or idea, the hate over what one believes and the truly sad idea that someone can not be who they are because your religious views say as much.
There are people in this world who have created such negative space that it is effecting everyone and everything. I am no exception to this, but I am eliminating the negative and I am going to remove it from the world around me and I hope that maybe someday the world will see that we all bleed the same color no matter what we believe, we are all at the end of the day the same underneath the skin. What does peace look like? Peace the place where everyone is free to believe what they will and practice what they will as long as they are doing no harm to others. Peace is where two people no matter their race, gender or culture can fall in love and marry because that is what they want. Peace is having a difference of opinion and allowing the other side to voice theirs without becoming hostile and attacking the other person for their opinion. Yes, I am guilty of this and I am ashamed of myself for doing so, so I will remove the negative from my world ALL of it and hope that in the months to come the world will find the peace that I am searching for and that we can all move forward without the negativity.
I sometimes wonder who exactly it is that I am. My world has become such a strange place, I look forward and backward and still do not understand all the dynamics that have taken place in my life to shape who I am. My children are my world and I know that I am a great mother because they are great kids, they have become amazing young men who continue to inspire me everyday. I am a fairly good wife I am not perfect in this respect I am know that I love my husband beyond anything that I have ever known as far as love goes, but I could be better and I could be worse.
I see things so much differently now than I did when I was 20 and I wonder what that young woman would say now if she could see where she would end up. Would she be proud of the hurdles and trials we have passed, would she be freaked out at the things we have done in the life time we have lived since then? What is it that makes us who we are? is it the people we are taught and raised by or is it how we as people deal with the things that come our way? Every challenge., every test, every good or bad event? are these the things that shape who we are?
Some of what I have written has told part of a story that has long since been put to rest but the need to tell this story that might help someone else along the way is important and I hope that I can make a difference in someones lives. I love you……… that is what I need to say, this is who I am, I love you……. because to not is wrong…… I love you because it feels good to say and to feel….. I love you
Where do I begin? I was born in Mesa, Arizona on January 10,1970 the day before my Great-Grandfather’s birthday. My parents were very young my dad was just 22 and my mom would turn 20 just 8 days after my birth. When I was still and infant my parents moved to my moms home town of Globe, Arizona. This is where I would grow up, our house on McKenny Street was small with a wonderful yard and wonderful neighbors. by the time I was two I had a little sister and a dog named Junior. It was a fairly normal existence, my dad worked at the local copper mine as a welder and my mom stayed at home with us, always making sure we were well cared for and had all that we needed. It was wonderful growing up in a small town, especially this one, all of our family was there, we had Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents and plenty of cousins to play with. It was NORMAL…. not idealistic by any means but it was normal with all the normal of small town America.
Some of my fondest memories could be found in the asphalt and dirt, the trees and the rocks, the empty lot and swimming pool across the street. If we got into trouble it was pretty certain that we would probably get a swat on the behind for being bad, but my parents did not abuse us it was discipline, despite the whole spanking teaches violence, that is not true, and I often wonder if these so called psychologist who would suggest that it does had any clue the damage not spanking does. Anyways enough soap box babble. So we went through the early stages of our life fairly normal little girls with loving parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Things for me started to change at the age of five, there were many factors that fell into place that shaped the outcome of my childhood but those things we will discuss in a later installment of my journey. I just pray that one day I will be able to help someone who I love like my own brother with the demons that I dont think he realizes we both share. Anyways as I neared the age of five and things were by all accounts pretty normal I was a playful and rambunctious kid who protected her sister and was always up for fun.
They summer I turned 5 one of my favorite cousins would come to live with us. It would not be until later that I would learn he was demon filled as well and that he too would have to deal with demons that he did not. Anyways, getting ready to start kindergarten and being the big sister I was excited. I remember my first days of school were so much fun, my teacher, I remember her still she was beautiful, with long brown hair, we had a small play ground outside our classrooms just for the kindergartners.
I remember one day I was in the sand box and a boy named Ronnie and his friend Danny decided to be mean to me and through sand on my dress. I was really upset because it was my favorite dress my mom had made it for me. but Ms. D my teacher took me inside brushed me off dried my tears and said ” It will be o.k., they are just boys!” ( yes boys will be boys in those days lol). my favorite part of those days was walking to and from school, since it was the 70’s there was very little fear especially in our small neighborhood everyone knew everyone and they always watched out for each others kids. But I also had my four legged body guard Junior a brindle Boxer who would walk me to and from school everyday.