So much of our lives are spent living in regret, I am no different I have regrets that I will always carry in my life. However, I know that the time I wasted can not be gotten back and that I must move forward. In the future as like now I try not to live with regrets that will haunt me like my past does.
As I grew up things were not always easy but we were always loved. As I said before much of my changes began when I was five, in direct relation with the arrival of one of my favorite cousins David, he moved in with us when I was five, David for what ever reasons ( I will never really know) had a lot of issues he was an alcoholic at 17 and kept getting into trouble and my Aunt sent him to live with us because he respected and looked up to my dad. Anyways, some of the memories of this time are dark and tainted and painful, because as my favorite cousin there was a huge betrayal of my trust.
I remember it so clearly the first time it happened, my parents had decided to go out and they left David in charge of me and my sister, we were already in our pajamas, they were made from that poly-nylon kind of fabric thin but kind of itchy too, they were pastel colors yellow, green, blue and pink, we had matching pajama’s. We were playing in the bedroom with our dolls and David was watching t.v. in the living room. I remember my sister was pulling her doll out of my hands and David called me into the living room. We both went like always where I went she went, she was my best friend then as she is now.
He told her to go back in the bedroom and had me climb up on his lap, he had his privates out and asked me to kiss it for him. This would be my first experience with oral sex, I am not sure why this memory is so clear and vivid in my mind when all the others are so murky. This is where things get difficult, it is still very hard even after all these years to tell it again even here on this blog, I have talked about it many times but with the memories of those times so clear in my head it can bring me to tears and be difficult in the retelling of it all. There are memories that continue to flash in and out that are not clear and that I can not always grasp onto. Things that flutter through my mind memories that I can not seem to grasp onto but real no less I can always tell when they are bad because I start getting sick to my stomach and want to cry.
Anyways, this was my earliest memory of being molested, and where changes in my life would become drastic and set me on the path with a lot of mental health issues that would nearly destroy me more than once. These changes began to show in the form of withdrawal from who I was to a quiet shy kid who spent way to much time inside her own head for a five year old. This would not be the end of it and had put me on the path with a train wreck in my life. At this point I became so withdrawn that I would become the likely target of bullies and all kinds of other foulness that would happen over the course of the next five years.
I think that is enough of this for today, I dont think I can write it all in one day, just getting through this day one has been very difficult. Even after all these years and all the therapy and growing up that I have done it is still a wound that does not always heal. I know that people out there go through this and many get so lost in the pain that they can’t find there way out but there is a way out you just have to ask. So I will leave you with this and I am going to go read something that will remove these memories again for the day, Do not ever blame yourself for what others did, you are not to blame you are the victim, but you have to take your power back, you have to stop letting the pain of your past beat you down into what ever darkness you are living in, counseling helps and talking helps, find your safe place and let it out!