I danced among the many trees my brother and sister laughed at me but when they stopped they heard the sound of the Goddess as she laughed out loud. Her joy in my dance was not by happen stance she felt the need and fed it deep within me and as her voice echoed through the forest and across the land my brother and sister took my hand and we danced for all to see beneath the canopy of trees.
July 11th the day before your 30th birthday we lost a young man who had so much potential, he took his own life at only 16 years old and it felt like I had lost the the grief so deep that I could only let the tears fall as I knew his mama was feeling such bone shattering pain at the loss of her baby. I do not know how to begin to explain the utter helplessness that I felt learning about his passing especially on the day before I lost you my sweet boy. How do I tell her that time will heal her pain when I know it wont. I refuse to sugar coat it for her time will not ease that pain and time will not lesson it. The loss of a child no matter the age or the time in life when it happens never leaves you, whether you loose them before birth or when they are grown it is a pain you live with daily. You learn to function and move forward but you never truly heal from the pain and it is something that you carry every day of your life until you are reunited with them in another realm. How many mamas have suffered the loss of their child only to be told to get over it. You dont get over it, you never st4op grieving it is different for everyone but you grieve for eternity. Anyways I am sorry I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday my baby I was other wise engaged but you were in my heart and on my mind. Happy Birthday Robert Damien I wish you were here so I could see your beautiful face.
It is funny the things that I remember from my childhood the smell of coffee in the early morning. The smell of fresh bread baking or cookies. Don’t get me wrong it was not all reinbows and unicorns but it was not a terrible childhood either. My parents they had their moments, my dad worked and worked and played hard. My mom, she was the best, she was the cool-aide mom and the band aide mom and the mom who always made sure that we had something to eat, did our home work and knew that she was always there. This person she has become I dont know or understand and it breaks my heart.
You see as much as I am angry at her, I miss my mom, I miss the person who I knew would always have my back. Who was there in the worst moments of my life. The woman who when I fell down brushed me off and stood me back on my feet. The one who would bake cookies and bring us cool aide while we played outside. I miss the mom who never put anyone else over us and always made sure that no matter what we knew she loved us. That is who I miss!
It makes me so sad the things that we have lost between us, the dreams of making her a grandma and her having a great time spoiling them and loving them and being grandma. The mom who would help me pick out my wedding dress or my graduation dress or my prom dress and would smile at me when I would fidget and tell me to stop that I was beautiful and everything would be just fine. That is the mom I miss, I miss the mom who would spank me when I was wrong and kiss me when I was scared. I miss my mom but I fear that she is dead and gone.
I miss my mom who was my best friend, the person I could count on in the end. I miss my mom the one who knew what I was going threw and did not judge. The one who would give me the gentlest of nudge or a kick in the pants. I miss my mom! Though she is not dead it feels that way to me because this stranger she has become has nothing to do with me. I miss my mom!
So I am feeling sorry for myself today because it never fails right around the silly season something goes astray.
I ask myself this time and again, why do you hate me? When will it end? Am I so unlovable that my own mother hates me? These are things that go through my head. Your continual hurtful comments tear at my soul and make doubt what I should know. Do you hate me? Why? I have never figured out what I have done to earn such a thing.
You are my mother, you gave me life and yet nothing I do or say is ever right? I was not always this way, I remember those days like yesterday, you were my mom always there with a smile a laugh or a reprimand, now I get hate in the form of snide and cruel remarks which the effects I can not hide. Am I really so terrible that you hate me your own child? What have done that I deserve your bile? Do you not see that what you say effects me? Do you even care?
I am almost 50 years old and I am so tired of feeling like it is always my fault that you are not happy with me, with the way I laugh at the world, with the way I speak, with the children I have raised. Nothing will ever be good enough and I am coming to the end of my give a fuck. You see I can only deal with so much pain and so much anger, it is different when it comes from a stranger I can walk away from them and never look back, but when it comes from the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back I am lost in it.
How do I keep repeating a cycle that we can not seem to break? You dont want me to be me, yet that is who I am! I laugh at inappropriate things that I find funny, I have opinions that I am not afraid to voice, I cuss like a sailor on shore leave, I love fiercely and protect those I love just as fiercely. I raised two find young men who aren’t perfect but they know that no matter what I love them and I will always have their back.
I wish I could understand and maybe we could find a way past this but I will never understand and I will never be okay with letting you my own mother treat me like I am the bastard child of your ex husband who is not a part of your family. You chose this path, I was ready willing and able to work on our relationship but now I am just tired. Tired of being wrong in everything I say and do with you! Tired of the pain that comes with trying to fix things with you! Tired of never being good enough even when I was a kid. So this is me telling you, I’m done!
Why is it that we as human beings are so blind to reality? If it does not fit into our perfect little concept of the world and what we believe it should be we run away from it! Reality is rarely perfect or easy, but nothing in life ever is!
Despite having been dealing pretty much since I was 21 with the effects of my abuse I still seem to be able to return to that place of helplessness and pain, so many triggers especially in these days of constant turmoil.
I have come to understand that while I am healthier and better equiped to deal with that darkness in my past, it is never truly gone. I have danced around it, I have numbed my body and mind to it, I have raged at it and I have dealt with it and continue to deal with it as the time and years march on. It is not something that I am ever not going to deal with and I understand that now when I am much older.
I still sometimes feel like that scared lost little girl with no where to hide, but and I think this is the most important part I am stronger than I was back then and I am no longer afraid of what will be in the future.
This promise I made SO many years ago forever and a day, it means everything! My promise to him that I will love him forever and a day! No matter the past tomorrow is not Cast today is all We have and yet these words are true because there is nothing in my heart but you! My friend, my love, my soul and my love these are my promise to you. Forever and a day