I am not a Communist!

My Daddy fought Communist in Vietnam, My Grandfather and Great Uncle Fought them in Germany, my husband fought them in Desert Storm. I am not a Communist, I am a fourth generation American whose family fought for this country just as hard as any American.

I am not a communist simply because I want the rich to pay their fair share. I am not a communist simply because I believe that No one has a right to tell another person what they can or can not do with their body. I am not a communist simply because I believe that everyone no matter what has the right to love and marry who they choose. I am not a communist simply because I believe that people of color are oppressed and should have the same protections under the law and that law enforcement is not perfect.

I am not a communist because I believe that children should be able to attend school without the threat of death every day. I am not a communist because I want to keep guns out of the hands of people who are unstable. I am not a communist because I believe as the richest Nation in the world, we should have Universal healthcare like the rest of the Industrialize world already has. I am not a communist because I believe that government should work for the people not the oligarchs of cooperate greed.

I am not a communist because I believe that as an American it is my responsibility to stand up when I see something wrong and help to make it right. I am not a communist simply because I believe that in order to reach the standard of all men are created equally, we must include women and people of color into our constitution. I am not a communist because I believe that just because you don’t like something does not mean that someone else must dislike it as well.

I am not a communist simply because I refuse to judge a person by the color of their skin instead of the content of the character. I am not a communist because I refuse to follow the crowd. I am not a communist simply because I am not blind to what our government does. I am not a communist because I vote for a Democrat. I am not a communist because I believe that we should earn a wage that allows us to have all that we need to live and thrive.

I am not a communist because I believe that children should not have to hide who they are because it makes us uncomfortable. I am not a communist because I do not believe in your God, or that you have a right to force your God on me. I am not a communist because I believe that religion or lack there of is a personal choice to be kept in the home not in our schools or government.

I am not a communist. I believe in the constitution, and I believe in the America my father, grandfathers and husband fought for. I am not a Communist I am an American and I will not lay down for the communist movement in our country, I will not cower behind my doors and hope that our government can stop them. I am not a communist I AM AN AMERICAN!

So simple, So Stupid

I could not have said better myself, but then that is what makes him one of the greatest human beings to live. I am so tired of hearing excuses as to why you won’t get the vaccine or why you won’t wear a mask or allow your children to wear a mask. Here are some hard truths for all you anti-vaxxers out there. We force our children to get vaccinated so they can attend school, we were forced to get vaccinated so we could attend school.

How many of you have a smallpox scar? I do because I was born in the last year that they gave the smallpox vaccine. Why do we not hear about smallpox break outs anymore? Because vaccines work!

We keep hearing so much misinformation it is a wonder we know what country we live in these days. But I have had about all I can take of the selfishness and the truly heart-breaking lack of empathy that I am seeing on a daily basis from people who should know better.

Arnold said something that I think most of America has forgotten, “ With Freedom comes Responsibility” what does that mean in this situation? It means that we are responsible for each other that we must as a society do everything in our power to mitigate the spread of a deadly disease that has mutated and is now targeting our children. You see something that we all seem to forget is that those children are our future.

How does wearing a mask violate your rights? I mean I seriously think people have gone around the deep end on this. We wear a mask, so we do not share our germs, we wear a mask so that we do not inhale other germs. It is like washing your hands you wash them so that you do not spread germs or get germs from others. It is that simple seriously.

You think that Donald Trump cares about you? If he did, he would never have played down the danger this disease posed to the American people. He would have done everything in his power to make sure that we did not loose 600 thousand Americans on his watch, he did none of that.

Do you honestly believe that some billionaire who has no degree in science or medicine knows better than all the scientist and doctors in the world? Really? Come on people, it is such a simple thing to put on a mask, to roll up your sleeve and get a shot. Yeah, he got Covid and yeah, he beat it because he has the best medical treatment that our tax dollars can buy and access to the vaccines well before they were released to the public.

Do you really believe that he didn’t take the vaccine? Seriously! Do you really believe that Tucker Carlson or Sean Hannity or Laura Ingram didn’t get the vaccine? Come on people wake up, they are telling you what will keep you hooked on their rhetoric. And their kids attend schools who have mask mandates guaranteed just because they attend private schools which are not paid for by our tax dollars makes them exempt from the ban on mask mandates passed by these idiot governors.

We are supposed to be a country of ideas and the freedom to pursue those ideas, we are supposed to be the country that shines brightly and leads, we are supposed to be smarter than this and yet here we sit a year and half into a deadly pandemic, and we are fighting over a shot in the arm and wearing a mask to protect each other from this disease.

This is what it boils down too, if you want to get back to what ever normal is in this insane world we call America, then wear your mask, wash your hands, stay 6 feet apart and roll up your sleeve get vaccinated. It is that simple, if you care about your fellow man, woman, and child, that is what you do, that is what is required to return this country to the normalcy we all long for.

I am certain many of you will have comments for this, I have no desire to debate with anyone anymore, I have no desire to hear excuses or conspiracy theories. If you love your families, if you love your children, if you love your grandchildren then do the right thing and protect them from this deadly disease, wear a mask and get the shot, because at the end of the day that is all we can do. There are no guarantees in life except that we all live, and we all die. Peace Out!


The Story contiues

I apologize for the gaps in the story alot has been going on in my life since I wrote that last post. But lets pick up where we left off shall we.

That night I learned what a blow job was and as I would later learn it was the beginning of a nightmare that would continue until I was ten. I think the hardest part for me to accept and forgive myself is that I was not the only victim, a close family friend finally told me what happened to her son, who I have always considered a brother. the guilt I feel over that I can not describe I dont know if I had told when it happened if it would have made a difference but I do still feel guilty.

Anyways when I was about 6 or so my parents separated for the first time, I would later learn that my father was cheating on my mother and she threw him out. We being children did not understand the dynamics at play as children should not know those things and my mom was great at protecting us from that, but being Daddy’s girls we cried they got back together and we went on. When I was 9 years old our house burned down on Christmas Eve, we were not home we had been our visiting friends of my dads. I would find out much later that it was arson and that my dad had started it for the insurance. Again we had up helve in our lives and we moved from place to place that year, I had to go to summer school because I missed so much school that year. But life went on, when I was about 10 maybe 11 we moved into a trailer park, it was actually a lot of fun, we spent a lot time outside running around playing as kids do. We had great friends and lots of exciting adventures from playing football on gravel to running through the tailings to avoid the security guards and hiding in our giant tree. These times I think were the best because we were at the age where we could go outside on our own and play until the lights came on and then it was dinner time. My mom was the band aide and cool-aide mom always making sure that all of us kids were safe.

As adventures go we had so many that even now it is hard to recount them all but we always had fun and always got into some kind of mischief. Things with my parents were rocky on and off again, and she always took him back because we missed him. In hind sight maybe it would have been better for us had they stayed apart but that is for another part of the story. Anyways it was here that things in my life changed yet again I began to become interested in boys, f course it was way to early for me to be doing that but well when your damaged by sexual abuse this is what you think will make people like you or love you as the case maybe. I was wrong of course but there it is. Anyways that is enough for tonight I hope to write more tomorrow we shall see.


What an insipid word it is especially when you dont know if that is something you are able to do. I have spent 51 years trying to get something from my dad that I will never get and that is acceptance and validation. My dad for all his faults and he has many is the man who shaped how I view men, and honestly it has been pretty unfair to my husband that I would view him as I do my father. Reality is that I can forgive him for the things he can not give me because he is not capable of giving me those things that I need. I know this on a very visceral level and yet I still want it from him, which lets me in for just more disappointment. My indignation and anger come from a place that he will never understand he doesn’t get that the pain it has caused me to sit back and know that no matter what I do no matter what I achieve it will never be good enough for him and he will never give me the acceptance that I look for from him. So what do I do? Can I forgive him for failing me in that aspect of my life. I am trying to be the good daughter I was raised to be and yet I find myself at odds with what I know is right and what is expected of me I am not the one who is expected to say what I think and what I mean I am supposed to gloss over it and pretend that everything is all hunky dory because my faither is an asshole.

A Mothers Cries

Late at night when they sleep she sits quietly at their feet. Her Hope’s and dreams are in them a selfless love that has no end. There is no love greater than a mother’s love, even in the night as she weeps her tears, their salty wetness the healing balm washes away their fears. Nothing is more powerful than a mothers tears. The pain they carry has no end when the object of their love is gone, their love and pain still carry on. A mothers tears they shed all the years they are alone a mothers life is no longer her own. When loss comes and takes a seat holding a mothers hand through her grief it is her tears that carry on even when she hears the final song. A mother cries for eternity, for only she understands that deep grief the soul that shatters at the loss of what they love beyond everything in this life. A mother cries many tears in her life but the ones that continue to fall are the ones at the end of it all. He grief unmatched and her loss can not be understood she is a mother for the bad and the good. A mother cries any mother would. A mothers cries her tears are gold her hopes and dreams are what they hold tomorrow will come she knows it is true but a mother cries even for you.

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Coming out of Hiding

So there has been alot happening in the last 7 months we have all been dealing with so many things it felt a little selfish to continue telling my story, but I find that I need to get back to it and start telling it all again. I have been dealing with the reality that my Dad is dying so my mind has been replaying 50 years of memories both good and bad. Today I finished my therapy session and I felt the need to start over again to begin way back at the very beginning of the story I am trying to tell, maybe then with the help of my therapist and my writing I can start to find forgiveness for myself.

That is a big ask when it comes to dealing with the 50 years worth of crap that is inside my head. But July is an important month for me, my little boy would be 31 years old on July 12th and so I think it is time his mama cuts herself some breaks. So little man I will start this story as it should have been started at the beginning and I will tell it all until there is nothing new to tell and I will hope that some where, someone will read these words and feel the that they too can find what they need in life forgive themselves and forgive others for what has gone by.

I was born January 10th 1970, at Mesa Lutheran Hospital in Mesa Arizona, my father Johnnie Mantolete and my mother Judy Walker, we moved from Mesa when I was a week old to the town of Globe, Arizona where I grew up and spend the first 20 years of my life. My dad was a boilermaker at the local copper mine and my mom was a house wife, things were pretty great from an infants perspective. When I was 2 my little sister Jennifer was born, I was the big sister and she was our baby and I took that role very seriously.

As we grew up we were surrounded by what you would think was a loving family on both sides, it was not always perfect to be sure but they were an amazing bunch of people in my life and I always looked forward to the time I would get to spend with my grandparents and my Aunts, there was never a dull moment especially on my moms side of the family. we would go camping and spend time up at the ranch where grandpa always helped his friend Haud bring in the herd, we spent time swimming and hiking and just being kids. it was an truly amazing time of life things were much simpler back then we did not have all the crazy tech we have now, I think in a way that steals some of the life that we should be living outside the walls of our homes.

When was 4 almost 5 my cousin who was 17 came to live with us he was having a lot of troubles and my parents wanted to help. My dad and David were very close more like brothers as they would continue to be until Davids death. As I said before I remember clearly the first time it happened I was wearing pajamas that were pastel colors pink, blue, yellow and green, they were very thin pajamas and itchy they were almost like a rayon type material. Anyways, my sister and I were playing in our bedroom and David called me into the other room. I remember the smell of pot lingered heavily in the air and there were beer cans on the floor.

I think I will stop here for tonight reliving it is hard but I promise to write more tomorrow

29 Years!!!!!!!!!!

I am blessed beyond words for the gifts in my life. I met the man I married when I was 16 years old. We dated off and on for a while, me I was as you know from other posts a mess, him he knew what he wanted and where he was going and how to get there. Me I was lucky to tie my shoes properly.

But here we are 29 years and two kids later stronger than we ever were, I look back at those years and marvel at all we have over come from the verge of divorce to a solid foundation that we worked hard to achieve. I am so very lucky to have this man in my life. I have no idea what I would do with out him or my kids. Somedays they are the only thing that keeps me sane and strong.

So happy anniversary to us and many more to come

what have I learned?

This seems to be a good place to take a break from the trials of my life to look at what I learned and discovered about myself in all aspects of my life, The journey that I began as a little girl was filled with a lot of misadventure, missteps, missed opportunities and missed lessons. I have learned a lot of lessons some of them harder learned than others. But there were many lessons along my journey to healing and letting go of my pain.

The first lesson I learned was that I can not do it on my own. I have always been independent and I have always been self-reliant so it was hard to ask for help or to even admit that I needed help! It was obvious that I did need help, I was spiraling so out of control between the use of illegal drugs, drinking and promiscuity I was quickly running head long into self-destruction.

My wake up call came July 12,1988 if you are one of my readers you know about the loss of my child, I found out I was pregnant and lost him with in a few weeks, it was not something I expected but it happened, it also happened around the time my long term boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for 6 years off and on and we were going to get married, but jealousy and loneliness and anger create things you just cant take back you know. So we broke up, and I discover I am pregnant, I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell him he was not speaking to me. That is when I found out he was already moving on and dating a girl I introduced him to at my senior prom.

Anyways that is a different story but that is what happened to start me on this journey. I did not tell him that I was pregnant until after I lost the baby, this would be my burden to bare for my life. My sweet little boy went home to heaven and I was left with a huge hole in my soul to go along with the other hole in my soul. Anyways at this time I went way off the deep end, splashing down some where between a train wreck you cant stop watching and a person with a booger hanging out of the nose.

It would be several months before I would even begin to step out of my comfort zone and try to find my way out of the cocaine filled delirium that was taking me into a world of drug deals and sex with anyone who I found interesting. By the time I was getting close to rock bottom things were clearly not going to get better where I was at in my head. Dealing with my abuse is one thing but also dealing with the loss of my child the denial of my ex-boyfriend and his (in my mind) betrayal, that was where I was at I found myself standing in a place.

Anyways, moving forward, It was October after I lost my son that I finally had a come to Jesus moment. I was with some friends we were going to pick up a load of coke and we were on our way back when we rolled my truck, four times side over side, when we stopped moving I was the only sober one I got everyone out and we made sure everyone was at least breathing I told my friend to get rid of the shit we were carrying I did not want it anywhere near us when the cops got there. He did the cops came and we went to the hospital. we were very lucky we walked away with minor injuries.

If when I finally get to where I am going