2020

There have been so many changes this year, some good and some bad, as we step into the new year it is with purpose and thought of what tomorrow will bring for us. I hope that tomorrow will bring us many new blessings, that it will bring us closer to each other as people and I hope that we will be able to find us once more coming together as a people who will stand up for what is right and the rights that we hold dear. I hope that we can once more stand in the face of devastation of adversity and uncertainty as we move into one of the most important stages of our history. We will see the election of a new President hopefully, and an end to the cluster fuck currently in the white house. We can hope that we will see the gift of healthcare for all as a right and now a privilege, that we can see our financial health stabilized once again, that every voice will be heard and that the madness of mass shootings will finally come to an end and we can save our planet from the careless destruction of those who feel they have a right to destroy it and us. I hope that it will see peace in the worlds most volatile countries. It is a time when everything is changing, we have to embrace it and step out into the world instead of hiding from it.

So Happy New Year, my your tomorrows be filled with love, laughter and happiness!

Blessed Be

Dear America

Dear America,

When at the end of the day we lay our heads down to rest we must ask ourselves have we done everything we can to insure that those we love are safe! We must look deeply into our collective consciousness and decide if what we have accomplished is worthy of being called Americans. We must put an end to the verbal rhetoric we continue to hear in regard to all the issues that are important to us. It behooves us to step out of the cloud of denial that we continue to allow to fall over us and see that our reality is not what it used to be 50 years ago or even 20 years ago. We have seen the rise of many terrifying things but also many beautiful things. We have risen from devastation from outside to stand in the face of our enemy and say not on our land and not our families. Yet, here we sit at a time when wonder and creativity are growing, when the movement away from the old is creating new and exciting frontiers for us to explore and yet we are stuck!

There many arguments about gun rights in particular, I don’t want to talk about those, there are many arguments against the President of the United States, I don’t want to talk about those. There is a rise in racism across this country, I don’t want to talk about that, there is a rise in division in this country and frankly I don’t want to talk about that. But we must talk about it in order to fix the problem we are having. Instead of finding the rhetoric that comes not only from the Political world but also the private sector we tend to gloss over what we are losing. Whole generation of children growing up in a world where they have to fear going to school or the mall or the movie theater. This is what we have lost and will continue to lose until we unite and take a stand. This is not about Republican or Democrat anymore, this is not about Trump or Hilary anymore, this is not about nationalism vs. patriotism anymore this is about the generation of children and what we want them to know about these moments in history when they grow up.

We must secure our neighborhoods, our schools, our churches, our movie theaters and our shopping malls from the systematic desecration of life. This is not about taking away rights, this is not about making good people give up their guns. This is about protecting what we hold most dear, it is about creating the world we want our children to live in no matter the cost. This is not about assigning blame because no one person except for those who committed these crimes is to blame. Yet it is our children who must fear going to school, it is our churches that now must have security, it is our grocery stores that we must protect. The one statement that I hear continually is “Well criminals do not follow laws” and It frustrates my brain to hear it and quit frankly is irritating to hear it. We all know criminals do not follow the laws the very definition of a criminal is a law breaker, so stop making it an excuse this we already know. Is there a quick fix? Probably not, but if we do not as a nation come together and find the solutions what happened on August 3, 2019 and all the times in the past will continue to be our new normal.

So here is my challenge, To the President of the United States , To every Presidential Candidate, Congress Person, Law Enforcement entity, Come together, Stop Fighting, Stop Blaming, Stop the name calling and do your jobs, find us solutions that are going to keep our children safe, find us solutions that are going to protect us from the dangers of our own countrymen find solutions that are going to bring us back together as a country not keep us divided. We sit here on the brink of a new election cycle and but all we are hearing is rhetoric we are not hearing solutions.

It is not just you that your words affect, each and everyone of you is responsible for the rhetoric you put out. And each and everyone of you were elected or wish to be elected into a position that has power behind it. So my challenge drop the rhetoric and come to us with real solutions that are going to work. But never forget that “We the people” are the ones who put you there. It is time you stop selling us out to lobbyist and big corporations and start looking at America the people, because at the end of the day this country was built on our backs Black, Hispanic, Indian, White, Christian, Catholic, Protestants, Jew, Muslim and Pagan.

When we do not remember all that went before us, when we forget the history that made this work in progress possible, when we forget that our founding fathers believed completely in the documents that we hold so dear and that nothing is impossible we are left doomed to repeat the mistakes of our history. We must as a nation rise as we did on September 11,2001 and stand against the tide of hate, racism and ignorance that some feel they are justified in believing. Only when we recognize the damage it has done can we repair it and only when we recognize its source can we call it out.

For me there is not greater challenge then to create a country where we all feel safe, secure and can prosper. These challenges by the way that our founding fathers fought and died for, these simple laws that they wrote to govern us as they created this experiment called The United States of America. It is time “We The People” are heard, we are not We the Republican people or We the Democrat people, We are not We the White People or We the Black People. We are “We the People” one entity with all our differences, flaws and mistakes, and until we stand once more in the face of the hate, and the lies and the rhetoric coming at us from all sides and demand that it stop it will not stop. “We the people” must choose how we go forward, with unity or shall we continue to be divided? Shall we stand together as our founders wanted or should we just call it a night and say good night Gracie? These are in our control.

To my fellow Americans I say this, I do not care about your political views, I do not care about your religious beliefs, I do not care about your sexual orientation or the color of your skin. I care about your children and mine, I care about the poor and the homeless, I care about the little girl who is afraid to go home, or the little boy who is confused about where his next meal will come from. I care about a world where we can sustain life and create a future that your children and my grandchildren will be able to look back and say they did us right. So America our challenge is very simple unite for a common purpose, demand that rational reasonable change happen and vote to insure that our great experiment of a Country continue to lead not only here at home but across the world.

Blessed Be to us All

Beneath the canopy of trees

I danced among the many trees my brother and sister laughed at me but when they stopped they heard the sound of the Goddess as she laughed out loud. Her joy in my dance was not by happen stance she felt the need and fed it deep within me and as her voice echoed through the forest and across the land my brother and sister took my hand and we danced for all to see beneath the canopy of trees.

There are no words!

July 11th the day before your 30th birthday we lost a young man who had so much potential, he took his own life at only 16 years old and it felt like I had lost the the grief so deep that I could only let the tears fall as I knew his mama was feeling such bone shattering pain at the loss of her baby. I do not know how to begin to explain the utter helplessness that I felt learning about his passing especially on the day before I lost you my sweet boy. How do I tell her that time will heal her pain when I know it wont. I refuse to sugar coat it for her time will not ease that pain and time will not lesson it. The loss of a child no matter the age or the time in life when it happens never leaves you, whether you loose them before birth or when they are grown it is a pain you live with daily. You learn to function and move forward but you never truly heal from the pain and it is something that you carry every day of your life until you are reunited with them in another realm. How many mamas have suffered the loss of their child only to be told to get over it. You dont get over it, you never st4op grieving it is different for everyone but you grieve for eternity. Anyways I am sorry I didn’t get to wish you a happy birthday my baby I was other wise engaged but you were in my heart and on my mind. Happy Birthday Robert Damien I wish you were here so I could see your beautiful face.

I Miss my mom!

It is funny the things that I remember from my childhood the smell of coffee in the early morning. The smell of fresh bread baking or cookies. Don’t get me wrong it was not all reinbows and unicorns but it was not a terrible childhood either. My parents they had their moments, my dad worked and worked and played hard. My mom, she was the best, she was the cool-aide mom and the band aide mom and the mom who always made sure that we had something to eat, did our home work and knew that she was always there. This person she has become I dont know or understand and it breaks my heart. 

You see as much as I am angry at her, I miss my mom, I miss the person who I knew would always have my back. Who was there in the worst moments of my life. The woman who when I fell down brushed me off and stood me back on my feet. The one who would bake cookies and bring us cool aide while we played outside. I miss the mom who never put anyone else over us and always made sure that no matter what we knew she loved us. That is who I miss!

It makes me so sad the things that we have lost between us, the dreams of making her a grandma and her having a great time spoiling them and loving them and being grandma. The mom who would help me pick out my wedding dress or my graduation dress or my prom dress and would smile at me when I would fidget and tell me to stop that I was beautiful and everything would be just fine. That is the mom I miss, I miss the mom who would spank me when I was wrong and kiss me when I was scared. I miss my mom but I fear that she is dead and gone.

I miss my mom who was my best friend, the person I could count on in the end. I miss my mom the one who knew what I was going threw and did not judge. The one who would give me the gentlest of nudge or a kick in the pants. I miss my mom! Though she is not dead it feels that way to me because this stranger she has become has nothing to do with me. I miss my mom!

Why????

So I am feeling sorry for myself today because it never fails right around the silly season something goes astray.

I ask myself this time and again, why do you hate me? When will it end? Am I so unlovable that my own mother hates me? These are things that go through my head. Your continual hurtful comments tear at my soul and make doubt what I should know. Do you hate me? Why? I have never figured out what I have done to earn such a thing.

You are my mother, you gave me life and yet nothing I do or say is ever right? I was not always this way, I remember those days like yesterday, you were my mom always there with a smile a laugh or a reprimand, now I get hate in the form of snide and cruel remarks which the effects I can not hide. Am I really so terrible that you hate me your own child? What have done that I deserve your bile? Do you not see that what you say effects me? Do you even care?

I am almost 50 years old and I am so tired of feeling like it is always my fault that you are not happy with me, with the way I laugh at the world, with the way I speak, with the children I have raised. Nothing will ever be good enough and I am coming to the end of my give a fuck. You see I can only deal with so much pain and so much anger, it is different when it comes from a stranger I can walk away from them and never look back, but when it comes from the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back I am lost in it. 

How do I keep repeating a cycle that we can not seem to break? You dont want me to be me, yet that is who I am! I laugh at inappropriate things that I find funny, I have opinions that I am not afraid to voice, I cuss like a sailor on shore leave, I love fiercely and protect those I love just as fiercely. I raised two find young men who aren’t perfect but they know that no matter what I love them and I will always have their back.

I wish I could understand and maybe we could find a way past this but I will never understand and I will never be okay with letting you my own mother treat me like I am the bastard child of your ex husband who is not a part of your family. You chose this path, I was ready willing and able to work on our relationship but now I am just tired. Tired of being wrong in everything I say and do with you! Tired of the pain that comes with trying to fix things with you! Tired of never being good enough even when I was a kid. So this is me telling you, I’m done!