So I was telling you all about my family history of abuse, I should explain that it was not always that way, not a daily thing at least not for me, I can not speak for the rest of my cousins. But I had a pretty cool childhood in my small circle family, the greatest dad ever, who has been an inspiration to me for as long as I can remember even to the point that I would get tattoos which drives him crazy, but it was his influence that made me want them. My sister, always my best friend and side kick in things that we probably shouldn’t be doing but did them anyways. I am always grateful that I have such a sister and friend she is truly one of the most generous people I have ever know, loving and kind with some serious rough edges if you cross her.
It has truly been an insane year yes, but I look back at all that has been gained and lost and I think about where I would be right now if not for the angels that surround me and I know without a doubt I would be lost. I look at the sky so blue and I see your eyes and I remember your smile that would warm the coldest of soul. I think about the times we shared and the times we have missed and I wish you were still here but I know you were needed else where and although my heart aches at your loss I know when I close my eyes you are there giving me comfort where I need you to be. You see there are some people just to good for this place and their lives are so much more difficult than we mortals will ever understand. I still miss you a great deal but I know that you are in a better place and away from the pain but just so you know I am still your biggest fan!
If we can not find common ground in a world of insanity we as a species are doomed to die at our own hands. People get so fired up and so angry anymore that there is really nothing that will sway them from their belief that everyone and everything is wrong accept what they believe. There is so much anger and negative energy in this world that even tomorrow will not be enough to change what is happening. It is truly sad that we will end with anger when there is so much beauty in this world and there is still the hope that we can be better if we but stop the brutal attacks on each other, the anger at someone who might have a different opinion or idea, the hate over what one believes and the truly sad idea that someone can not be who they are because your religious views say as much.
There are people in this world who have created such negative space that it is effecting everyone and everything. I am no exception to this, but I am eliminating the negative and I am going to remove it from the world around me and I hope that maybe someday the world will see that we all bleed the same color no matter what we believe, we are all at the end of the day the same underneath the skin. What does peace look like? Peace the place where everyone is free to believe what they will and practice what they will as long as they are doing no harm to others. Peace is where two people no matter their race, gender or culture can fall in love and marry because that is what they want. Peace is having a difference of opinion and allowing the other side to voice theirs without becoming hostile and attacking the other person for their opinion. Yes, I am guilty of this and I am ashamed of myself for doing so, so I will remove the negative from my world ALL of it and hope that in the months to come the world will find the peace that I am searching for and that we can all move forward without the negativity.
I sometimes wonder who exactly it is that I am. My world has become such a strange place, I look forward and backward and still do not understand all the dynamics that have taken place in my life to shape who I am. My children are my world and I know that I am a great mother because they are great kids, they have become amazing young men who continue to inspire me everyday. I am a fairly good wife I am not perfect in this respect I am know that I love my husband beyond anything that I have ever known as far as love goes, but I could be better and I could be worse.
I see things so much differently now than I did when I was 20 and I wonder what that young woman would say now if she could see where she would end up. Would she be proud of the hurdles and trials we have passed, would she be freaked out at the things we have done in the life time we have lived since then? What is it that makes us who we are? is it the people we are taught and raised by or is it how we as people deal with the things that come our way? Every challenge., every test, every good or bad event? are these the things that shape who we are?
Some of what I have written has told part of a story that has long since been put to rest but the need to tell this story that might help someone else along the way is important and I hope that I can make a difference in someones lives. I love you……… that is what I need to say, this is who I am, I love you……. because to not is wrong…… I love you because it feels good to say and to feel….. I love you
My earliest memories are all very good memories, at least until the age of five, it is at this time that my life would begin to change forever. My cousin David came to live with us, he was much older than me in his teens at this time. I remember thinking it was kind of cool I had an older brother when I was the oldest in my house hold. I adored David, but my adoration turned to fear not to long after he moved in with us.
It is funny somethings you can remember quit clearly and others you can not, I remember the first time that my parents left us alone with David while they went out with their friends. I was five as I said and my sister about three maybe a little older. David was baby sitting while my parents were out. Momma had bathed us and gotten us into our pj’s that night I remember they were a strange poly blend but they were my favorite ones they were light yellow and green and pink and blue.
My sister and I were playing in our bedroom, the house was small, there was a nice kitchen and living room and then my parents room, the bathroom and our room were all connected with no doors. This particular night David was watching TV, and we were playing with our dolls in the bedroom, when he called me into the living room and made my sister stay in the bedroom. This was the first time that I had touched a penis let alone seen one as he made me give him oral sex. I remember wondering why was he doing this, Daddy never did this with me, anyways that was how it began.
And how I began to retreat into myself, from the fun energetic little girl to the hidden secrets that lay beneath. That was the beginning for me in a journey that would span a life time and that I am still living to this day, although in a much healthier and productive way than back in those days.
There is much about the past that seems to be an enigma even to me the one who lived it. Living with a disease is never easy but most assuredly it is not easy when it is mental illness, growing up there were a lot of indicators that I would eventually have depression and that I would eventually have to deal with it on a daily basis. What I did not realize was the impact that it would have on my life and the decisions I would make along the road to becoming the adult I am now.
The reality that I have this dreaded disease something that as I understand now is quit common and can be hereditary began to show itself in the formative years and shyness and quiet retreat, as I got older it showed in other ways, drug use and promiscuous behavior. Self-destructive behaviors were normal for me. It began though in the early years, having suffered at the hands of a family member, sexual abuse that would continue to define my life and lead me to more and more reckless behavior.
Looking at it now I know it for what it is, but it would be many years before I would come to terms with the things that caused trauma in my life. And many more years before I would be well enough to discuss it openly with so many people who have found themselves in the same dark place. In my family it was normal, I do not believe that there are many family members at least in my generation who did not suffer some kind of abuse during those years of growing up.
We all carry the scars from that time and now must learn to define our lives as something other than broken abused children. It is for me cathartic that I was able to deal with and find peace with the ugliness of the past that we grew up in, suffering at the hands of our own family members. So I had to ask myself where and when did it begin? Who allowed this hideous past to continue trickling down into every generation that followed? How many more lives have to be shattered before they realize that by keeping silent they are destroying lives?
All good questions yes? but one problem there are no answers, so what am I supposed to do? At least these were the things that I asked myself while I was going through the healing process. As my mamma always said ” Pick yourself up and dust yourself off” yes but somethings are not so easy to get away from and this is one of those things. How do I live day to day with the after math of sexual abuse by someone I loved?
Getting right with myself was the first step in making it through the quagmire of lies and secrets that have kept my family in silence for many years. For me, the fear died when I was 21 all that was left was rage, and depression and a need to destroy the very person that I should have been healing and protecting, Myself.
This is my journey, along with some poetry and other things I will use this space to begin a trip through my journey in the hope that some where along the way I might help someone in need so that they know that like me, they are not to blame for the things that happened to them and that there is hope at the end of that darkness.